Saturday, November 13, 2010
Guess What!?
Guess What? Dennis convinced me to take History of the Modern World instead of Communication 1A.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Take or Not Take: Communication 1A
The classes for the next semester are now available, I am not sure if I should take Communication 1A or not. I mean, it is a great class to improve my communication, regarding my teacher and another guy I met last semester.
Improve my communication… it is all that I need! Last class, my teacher from Design class was talking about courses related to design, and how we get there. During the class, she explained how long is the path that I still have to go to become an architect in this country. She also said something that made me think a lot. I need to learn how to defend my projects. There will be people in my way who won’t agree with me. I need to defend my self.
This is exactly what I need! I am so shy that I start sweating just if I think about the possibility of talking in public. She said that Communication 1A would be great for people like me. But there is a problem: I don’t need communication 1A in my curriculum to finish college, and I feel so late (understand late as old) that I want to finish this as soon as possible.
What should I do?
I think that I know already. I am learning for life, and Communication 1A would be great.
…But, at the same time, I see myself finishing the university in my late thirties and
I hate it. What is the big problem with that? Am I afraid to be the oldest guy in class, and feel humiliated, dumb, and old, surrounded by youngest? Yes.
Ok, while I am writing this, I feel that I am already convinced that I want and I have to take Communication 1A. It felt so stupid to write this….
It will improve my Communication for life, not only for college. It will help me to fight against my fear of talking in public, of expressing myself and my feelings to the world.
I will take Communication 1A.
Improve my communication… it is all that I need! Last class, my teacher from Design class was talking about courses related to design, and how we get there. During the class, she explained how long is the path that I still have to go to become an architect in this country. She also said something that made me think a lot. I need to learn how to defend my projects. There will be people in my way who won’t agree with me. I need to defend my self.
This is exactly what I need! I am so shy that I start sweating just if I think about the possibility of talking in public. She said that Communication 1A would be great for people like me. But there is a problem: I don’t need communication 1A in my curriculum to finish college, and I feel so late (understand late as old) that I want to finish this as soon as possible.
What should I do?
I think that I know already. I am learning for life, and Communication 1A would be great.
…But, at the same time, I see myself finishing the university in my late thirties and
I hate it. What is the big problem with that? Am I afraid to be the oldest guy in class, and feel humiliated, dumb, and old, surrounded by youngest? Yes.
Ok, while I am writing this, I feel that I am already convinced that I want and I have to take Communication 1A. It felt so stupid to write this….
It will improve my Communication for life, not only for college. It will help me to fight against my fear of talking in public, of expressing myself and my feelings to the world.
I will take Communication 1A.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Halloween 2010
Last Saturday I want to a Halloween party at Liz’s house, a Brazilian friend that we have here in California. She lives in a big house in Oakland Hills. I was convicted that I would drink a lot and party hard, giving me a break from my busy routine of studying and working. Dennis stayed at home because he is never on the mood of partying hard and also because he had a bad trout. I totally understand that.
I decided to invite Brandon, my new friend, because I didn’t see him for a while. We both arrived at Liz’s house with Brandon’s boyfriend, Allan, who didn’t stay long because he had to work earlier in the next day.
The party was great! I had a chance to see many people that I didn’t see for a long time. I met Deia’s boyfriend (really cute by the way) and Deia and I talked a lot, as good friends we are.
Because this party supposes to be a break from my routine, I drank a lot. Not as I use to drink during the past weekends, but a lot more. I got so drunk that I lost track of time. I party, I dance, I talked, and I laugh. Yeah… I laugh a lot. I felt really good, surrounding by nice people and doing something I that I didn’t do for a long time.
When I realized, it was around 5am already, and I had no idea what time I arrived at home.
Amanda called a taxi and we (Amanda, Brandon, and me) went home totally satisfied. I slept inside of the taxi and the taxi driver actually had to wake me up! I was wasted.
The next day, I woke up at 12:30pm and stayed in bed until 6pm. I watched a movie, posted the photos from the party on Facebook, and watched almost a whole season of American Dad on Netflix.
At six o’clock, I moved my dead body from the bed to the sofa, and stayed there the rest of the day. Dennis and I had a few lazy hours together getting out of the sofa only to give candy to the kids who knocked our door, and grabbing something to drink on the way back to the sofa. I used this time to show Dennis the photos from the party and watch more American Dad. Am I addictive?
When Dennis decided to go to the bed, I decided to stay and finish the current episode, but I ended up sleeping in the sofa by myself, and woke up at 11pm to go to the bed.
My percent of productivity on Sunday was negative 25% because I am pretty sure that American Dad ate a piece of my brain after too much episodes.
That’s why I can’t go out so often anymore; I am becoming old!!! I usually party a lot in the past, but now with my routine (and this age: 28… I know… in a body of 25 and a mind of 30) I can’t party hard every weekend anymore.
Today I called Amanda to make sure I remember everything I did. No hazardous, no damage. It was a perfect Halloween. It was exactly what I needed.
I decided to invite Brandon, my new friend, because I didn’t see him for a while. We both arrived at Liz’s house with Brandon’s boyfriend, Allan, who didn’t stay long because he had to work earlier in the next day.
The party was great! I had a chance to see many people that I didn’t see for a long time. I met Deia’s boyfriend (really cute by the way) and Deia and I talked a lot, as good friends we are.
Because this party supposes to be a break from my routine, I drank a lot. Not as I use to drink during the past weekends, but a lot more. I got so drunk that I lost track of time. I party, I dance, I talked, and I laugh. Yeah… I laugh a lot. I felt really good, surrounding by nice people and doing something I that I didn’t do for a long time.
When I realized, it was around 5am already, and I had no idea what time I arrived at home.
Amanda called a taxi and we (Amanda, Brandon, and me) went home totally satisfied. I slept inside of the taxi and the taxi driver actually had to wake me up! I was wasted.
The next day, I woke up at 12:30pm and stayed in bed until 6pm. I watched a movie, posted the photos from the party on Facebook, and watched almost a whole season of American Dad on Netflix.
At six o’clock, I moved my dead body from the bed to the sofa, and stayed there the rest of the day. Dennis and I had a few lazy hours together getting out of the sofa only to give candy to the kids who knocked our door, and grabbing something to drink on the way back to the sofa. I used this time to show Dennis the photos from the party and watch more American Dad. Am I addictive?
When Dennis decided to go to the bed, I decided to stay and finish the current episode, but I ended up sleeping in the sofa by myself, and woke up at 11pm to go to the bed.
My percent of productivity on Sunday was negative 25% because I am pretty sure that American Dad ate a piece of my brain after too much episodes.
That’s why I can’t go out so often anymore; I am becoming old!!! I usually party a lot in the past, but now with my routine (and this age: 28… I know… in a body of 25 and a mind of 30) I can’t party hard every weekend anymore.
Today I called Amanda to make sure I remember everything I did. No hazardous, no damage. It was a perfect Halloween. It was exactly what I needed.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Fall 2010
My classes started a few weeks ago and I’m already worried about not getting things done. I have to keep in my mind that I need good grades to go to UCB, but I feel very overwhelmed and afraid to get a C. I’m tanking five classes in this fall, 15 units, two campuses, and a lot of new experiences. I spend my mornings from Monday to Thursday at Berkeley City College, and my afternoons from Monday to Wednesday at Laney College. It’s not just it! I also have classes Saturday morning at BCC. Adding this to the minimum social life I’m trying to have, plus 20 hours of weekly work, I wonder where is the time to study for those classes. This will be so far the hardest semester ever here in the USA.
My week starts with Pre Calculus with Mrs. Elizabeth, a teacher who came from France, and I’m already not sure if she’s good or not. Mrs. Elizabeth arrives almost every time a few minutes late, and she seems to come straight from the street, not having time to go to her office to get the class’s name list. Her way of teaching is a little confuse because she always commits little mistakes in basic stuff. Last class I was wondering with she really knows what she’s doing. I also feel that the rest of the students think the same about her. There is a nice girl who sits beside me and always leaves the class mad with the teacher.
After eat a sandwich that I brought from home, I’m ready for my Perspective, Shades, and Shadows class, or just E/AT 35, at Laney. This is so far the scariest class of this semester. The teacher is really nice, but I was so lost in that class for the first couple of weeks. I should take another drawing class before starts this one, but since I did a fast, intense, little, course in Brazil about drawing, I said to myself (and to the counseling) that I knew what I was doing. For now, I can say that it’s getting better, but I still have a lot to learn. Mr. Simon, the teacher, is really making me comfortable to try it. He’s calm, always likeable, and patience with his students. I met this nice guy whom his name I still can’t pronounce (I know, it’s a shame) and he helped me a lot during the first classes when I looked like a lost kid in a crowed place or something like that.
On Tuesdays, it’s time for my English 1A class, the first English class I’m taking with Americans. Actually, this class seems a lot like the Writing class I was taking last semester, the difference is a few students who are really Americans, and the teacher, who isn’t so nice like the last one. The teacher, Mr. Sommer, is a cute young guy who tries to be really tough. I didn’t have a good impression of him on the first day of class because he arrived already demanding people who didn’t enroll to the class leave immediately, exactly like that, with no good morning, no hi, no anything. The class is going “ok” for now, but I gave my first essay to an American girl to take a look and we founded out a lot of grammar errors, so I can’t tell how I’ll be doing yet.
I also enrolled to this class called Introduction to Professional Design, once a week every Tuesday’s afternoon, and so far I didn’t like it. I was really excited about this class on the beginning because I though I would learn a lot, but so far the teacher, Mrs. Eleene, just ask us to ready a book with very very very basic stuff and spent the class summarizing it. It’s really hard to focus in this class. Am I too advanced to this class? I don’t think so, but I can tell already the class is really boring.
The last class is Geometry, every Saturday morning from 9 to 12. The teacher, Mrs. Mary, is really nice, and I’m learning basic stuff too, but I like it because I loved my geometry classes in Brazil. The class is all mixed up with all kind of different students; old women, teenagers, etc. nobody is really in the mood to socialize in a Saturday morning during a math class, so I didn’t meet anybody yet. The fact that it’s on Saturday morning is turning my head 360ยบ. It doesn’t feel like Saturday at all, I feel like my Saturdays are now my Fridays, and when I realize it’s already Sunday, and I feel like I didn’t have time to study at all.
Since I’m still addicted to work out, I’m going to the gym five times a week, every morning, most of the time before class. I also go on Fridays, and since I’m close to college, I go there just to study by myself. I still have a problem to study at home, with the dogs, the cleaning, the distractions, work, and Dennis.
Talking about Dennis, he’s ok, I think. I feel we’re not so “together” anymore because of the little time I spend at home now and also another things. He cooks almost every evening waiting for me to have dinner together. It’s cute. His work seems the same for me, but now he’s also helping me with my EBay stuff, selecting photos and sometimes even shipping things out.
I decided do not pay much attention to my social life this semester, but I just can’t. I mean, I think I’m doing fine and more concentrated in studying more than socializing, but I feel that this is not enough. I’m building a nice social life with some guys from Berkeley, and I’m changing the gym to see if I can work out with more interesting people. But I still have in my mind that this will be my hardest semester and I will not fail.
If I survive this moment of my life, I’ll come back to write more.
My week starts with Pre Calculus with Mrs. Elizabeth, a teacher who came from France, and I’m already not sure if she’s good or not. Mrs. Elizabeth arrives almost every time a few minutes late, and she seems to come straight from the street, not having time to go to her office to get the class’s name list. Her way of teaching is a little confuse because she always commits little mistakes in basic stuff. Last class I was wondering with she really knows what she’s doing. I also feel that the rest of the students think the same about her. There is a nice girl who sits beside me and always leaves the class mad with the teacher.
After eat a sandwich that I brought from home, I’m ready for my Perspective, Shades, and Shadows class, or just E/AT 35, at Laney. This is so far the scariest class of this semester. The teacher is really nice, but I was so lost in that class for the first couple of weeks. I should take another drawing class before starts this one, but since I did a fast, intense, little, course in Brazil about drawing, I said to myself (and to the counseling) that I knew what I was doing. For now, I can say that it’s getting better, but I still have a lot to learn. Mr. Simon, the teacher, is really making me comfortable to try it. He’s calm, always likeable, and patience with his students. I met this nice guy whom his name I still can’t pronounce (I know, it’s a shame) and he helped me a lot during the first classes when I looked like a lost kid in a crowed place or something like that.
On Tuesdays, it’s time for my English 1A class, the first English class I’m taking with Americans. Actually, this class seems a lot like the Writing class I was taking last semester, the difference is a few students who are really Americans, and the teacher, who isn’t so nice like the last one. The teacher, Mr. Sommer, is a cute young guy who tries to be really tough. I didn’t have a good impression of him on the first day of class because he arrived already demanding people who didn’t enroll to the class leave immediately, exactly like that, with no good morning, no hi, no anything. The class is going “ok” for now, but I gave my first essay to an American girl to take a look and we founded out a lot of grammar errors, so I can’t tell how I’ll be doing yet.
I also enrolled to this class called Introduction to Professional Design, once a week every Tuesday’s afternoon, and so far I didn’t like it. I was really excited about this class on the beginning because I though I would learn a lot, but so far the teacher, Mrs. Eleene, just ask us to ready a book with very very very basic stuff and spent the class summarizing it. It’s really hard to focus in this class. Am I too advanced to this class? I don’t think so, but I can tell already the class is really boring.
The last class is Geometry, every Saturday morning from 9 to 12. The teacher, Mrs. Mary, is really nice, and I’m learning basic stuff too, but I like it because I loved my geometry classes in Brazil. The class is all mixed up with all kind of different students; old women, teenagers, etc. nobody is really in the mood to socialize in a Saturday morning during a math class, so I didn’t meet anybody yet. The fact that it’s on Saturday morning is turning my head 360ยบ. It doesn’t feel like Saturday at all, I feel like my Saturdays are now my Fridays, and when I realize it’s already Sunday, and I feel like I didn’t have time to study at all.
Since I’m still addicted to work out, I’m going to the gym five times a week, every morning, most of the time before class. I also go on Fridays, and since I’m close to college, I go there just to study by myself. I still have a problem to study at home, with the dogs, the cleaning, the distractions, work, and Dennis.
Talking about Dennis, he’s ok, I think. I feel we’re not so “together” anymore because of the little time I spend at home now and also another things. He cooks almost every evening waiting for me to have dinner together. It’s cute. His work seems the same for me, but now he’s also helping me with my EBay stuff, selecting photos and sometimes even shipping things out.
I decided do not pay much attention to my social life this semester, but I just can’t. I mean, I think I’m doing fine and more concentrated in studying more than socializing, but I feel that this is not enough. I’m building a nice social life with some guys from Berkeley, and I’m changing the gym to see if I can work out with more interesting people. But I still have in my mind that this will be my hardest semester and I will not fail.
If I survive this moment of my life, I’ll come back to write more.
Friday, August 13, 2010
SUMMER TRIP – DAY ONE
My vacation didn’t started as perfect as I planned! After Dennis dropped me off at the San Francisco airport, my flight to Washington got delay for more than one hour and a half. I was so nervous because I wouldn’t have time to take my connection to Connecticut. With help from one of the ladies at the United balcony, I changed my seat so I could be the first one to leave the plane and run to the next gate just in time to board. During the flight, I relaxed sure that I would make it; I watched a movie (Mary & Max, animation, really cute) and listened some music. Suddenly I realized that my next flight was about to take off and until that moment the pilot didn’t say anything about landing. I asked the flight attendance what was going on and she say we would probably be landing in the next 45 minutes. 45 minutes!? I freaked out at the plane, and anybody couldn’t do anything for me. I didn’t have a choice but wait until the plane touched the ground.
I run off the plane as soon as the door opened and received the notice that even if I made it on time (which I didn’t) my flight was canceled because of the weather. I saw that I was booked for the next day at 12:20pm and immediately got so piss off. It was around 11:45pm and I decide to stand in line at the United customer services for almost two hours just to hear a very rude lady called Betty, from United Airlines, that they couldn’t do nothing else for me. Gosh I never saw somebody be so rude with customers in my life. She was in line saying that everybody should find a hotel and deal with it; United would never pay for it because it wasn’t their fold. Seriously, she scared off at least 40 people to flight with United Airlines again. I am one of them. I got so tired of that bitch doing such a bad job, scaring off people from the line, that I left the line and called Dennis, asked him to find a hotel room for me online while I call Kate to give the bad news.
I called Kate and let her know that I wouldn’t be in Hartford Airport, Connecticut, tonight and she had to pick me up tomorrow, and I was stuck in Washington for the night. I think she was ok with that. I was really embarrassed about that because I’m staying in her house and I know she’s a very busy woman. Dennis found me a room at Marriot, pretty close to the airport, and I took a cab until there. I finally shake the stress out with a good long bath shower and watched TV until I finally slept. I woke up just in time, took another bath, and leave the hotel back to the airport. I checked in and board a little unhappy because I still had to do that last flight with United Airlines. The airplane left even a little earlier and I was desperate to arrive in Hartford Airport and have a really cold beer while I wait for Kate. I put a DVD in my computer and started watching Sex in the City; Dennis and I decided to start watching from the beginning. After a little less than one hour flying, I noticed everybody looking behind, so I took out my headphones and everybody was asking if there were any doctor on board.
There were this woman all shaking a few chairs behind me. She started having a seizure and it took about ten minutes for her recovered back to normal. Suddenly the pilot announced that we’re landing in the next 15 minutes, I though, “I think we had more 45 minutes of flight…” and he finish saying that we‘re landing at Philadelphia Airport, in am emergency, for the women who just had a seizure. I laugh, all loud. I didn’t believe it was happening with me. We stayed on ground for approximate one and a half hour. The women left the plane and the cleaning company came to clean the chair, and we stayed awaiting permission from the tower to leave the ground. When I though the thinks couldn’t get worse, when we was about to fly another plane from stupid United Airlines had to make an emergency landing in front of us because of some mechanical problems. I promised god never fly with United Airlines again.
I arrived really tired at Kate’s house, took a shower, a nap, called Dennis and relaxed for a few hours until time to meet her friends. Kate’s house is this old condo from hundreds of years ago; it’s a very cute neighborhood full of historic “New England” houses. Kate’s friends, which I didn’t memorize their names yet, are really funny and crazy, but they all seem to be nice people. We went to a club downtown New Haven and had a good time dancing and talking. I enjoy it more than I expect because I kind of didn’t like the music at all. During the night we planned to go to Manhattan Saturday to spend the day, and we all decided to go together.
In one of my times in the restroom, I saw something that reminded me the old times at the parties in Rio: two guys leaving the cabin really high while three others go inside. I would love to be invited but I decided to keep myself invisible and pretend don’t see it; it’s my vacation in my friend’s house and I didn’t want screw my Saturday sleeping the whole day after a night full of drugs. I didn’t want to go back to it at least that in that moment.
We arrived home around three and I slept like a rock until 9:30am.
I run off the plane as soon as the door opened and received the notice that even if I made it on time (which I didn’t) my flight was canceled because of the weather. I saw that I was booked for the next day at 12:20pm and immediately got so piss off. It was around 11:45pm and I decide to stand in line at the United customer services for almost two hours just to hear a very rude lady called Betty, from United Airlines, that they couldn’t do nothing else for me. Gosh I never saw somebody be so rude with customers in my life. She was in line saying that everybody should find a hotel and deal with it; United would never pay for it because it wasn’t their fold. Seriously, she scared off at least 40 people to flight with United Airlines again. I am one of them. I got so tired of that bitch doing such a bad job, scaring off people from the line, that I left the line and called Dennis, asked him to find a hotel room for me online while I call Kate to give the bad news.
I called Kate and let her know that I wouldn’t be in Hartford Airport, Connecticut, tonight and she had to pick me up tomorrow, and I was stuck in Washington for the night. I think she was ok with that. I was really embarrassed about that because I’m staying in her house and I know she’s a very busy woman. Dennis found me a room at Marriot, pretty close to the airport, and I took a cab until there. I finally shake the stress out with a good long bath shower and watched TV until I finally slept. I woke up just in time, took another bath, and leave the hotel back to the airport. I checked in and board a little unhappy because I still had to do that last flight with United Airlines. The airplane left even a little earlier and I was desperate to arrive in Hartford Airport and have a really cold beer while I wait for Kate. I put a DVD in my computer and started watching Sex in the City; Dennis and I decided to start watching from the beginning. After a little less than one hour flying, I noticed everybody looking behind, so I took out my headphones and everybody was asking if there were any doctor on board.
There were this woman all shaking a few chairs behind me. She started having a seizure and it took about ten minutes for her recovered back to normal. Suddenly the pilot announced that we’re landing in the next 15 minutes, I though, “I think we had more 45 minutes of flight…” and he finish saying that we‘re landing at Philadelphia Airport, in am emergency, for the women who just had a seizure. I laugh, all loud. I didn’t believe it was happening with me. We stayed on ground for approximate one and a half hour. The women left the plane and the cleaning company came to clean the chair, and we stayed awaiting permission from the tower to leave the ground. When I though the thinks couldn’t get worse, when we was about to fly another plane from stupid United Airlines had to make an emergency landing in front of us because of some mechanical problems. I promised god never fly with United Airlines again.
I arrived really tired at Kate’s house, took a shower, a nap, called Dennis and relaxed for a few hours until time to meet her friends. Kate’s house is this old condo from hundreds of years ago; it’s a very cute neighborhood full of historic “New England” houses. Kate’s friends, which I didn’t memorize their names yet, are really funny and crazy, but they all seem to be nice people. We went to a club downtown New Haven and had a good time dancing and talking. I enjoy it more than I expect because I kind of didn’t like the music at all. During the night we planned to go to Manhattan Saturday to spend the day, and we all decided to go together.
In one of my times in the restroom, I saw something that reminded me the old times at the parties in Rio: two guys leaving the cabin really high while three others go inside. I would love to be invited but I decided to keep myself invisible and pretend don’t see it; it’s my vacation in my friend’s house and I didn’t want screw my Saturday sleeping the whole day after a night full of drugs. I didn’t want to go back to it at least that in that moment.
We arrived home around three and I slept like a rock until 9:30am.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It has been 3 weeks since Crea passed away in our arms at the backyard. It was a Tuesday night when she got so bad that Dennis and I decided to call the vet to put her to sleep. The vet came and saw that there was the moment we’re so afraid of. It was a very particular moment and very beautiful… it was definitely sad, but we knew we’re doing the right thing ending the suffering of our dog that we love so much. Our life is getting to the “normal” but we’ll always look her pictures around the house and miss her. We gave her food to her mom Clowe, across the street, and threw away her favorite blanket. The puppies still have her bed but we decide do not give her favorite thing to them. I put her favorite toy on my desk, and I’m not allowing the other puppies play with it. I like to have it there, makes me think about her when she was happy and healthy playing around. Dennis got really depressed and sick after Crea’s death but he seems getting better. We cried a lot, but he stayed in bed for a few days. He got her axes from the vet Friday and we planned to spread in the backyard this weekend but I couldn’t do it. I’m still not ready for it. I touched that wood box and felt her energy around… like, for a moment, I could feel her walking around the house again. I’m not ready to open it and let it go, so now the box is under her beautiful picture in our bedroom.
With the life coming back to normal, we’re returning to our routine. College is going good, just miss one week to end the summer class and I’m so ready for it! This class turned really hard for me and made me afraid of the next classes coming on fall. Next semester I’ll be taking 5 classes plus work. I have no idea if I’ll be able to handle this. This time I’ll need Dennis support more than never.
I’m meeting new people around the city, really nice ones. I meet this guy Brandon who lived in Rio for a while and we actually had a nice talk in Portuguese. I feel really comfortable around him; he seems to be a really nice guy. It’s too earlier to know if I’m making a friend or not, that’s my problem in country; I could considered Brandon my friend if we’re in Brazil, but her, it takes a while. I’ve been in contact with people from last semester too. Some weeks ago Daniel, from geography class, invited me to do yoga with him in a club in Berkeley. I really had a good time and I’m looking forward to do it again.
With the life coming back to normal, we’re returning to our routine. College is going good, just miss one week to end the summer class and I’m so ready for it! This class turned really hard for me and made me afraid of the next classes coming on fall. Next semester I’ll be taking 5 classes plus work. I have no idea if I’ll be able to handle this. This time I’ll need Dennis support more than never.
I’m meeting new people around the city, really nice ones. I meet this guy Brandon who lived in Rio for a while and we actually had a nice talk in Portuguese. I feel really comfortable around him; he seems to be a really nice guy. It’s too earlier to know if I’m making a friend or not, that’s my problem in country; I could considered Brandon my friend if we’re in Brazil, but her, it takes a while. I’ve been in contact with people from last semester too. Some weeks ago Daniel, from geography class, invited me to do yoga with him in a club in Berkeley. I really had a good time and I’m looking forward to do it again.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Between Homeworks and Seizures....
Now I’m feeling busy and very stressed with college, and very sad about our oldest dog Crea, a 12 years old beagle. I just reached the “freezing point” where I can’t do more math problems or think about any problems for today. I admire that kind of people who is able to study “non-stop” for hours and hours… I can’t do that, especially with a sick dog that I love walking sadly around me. My three weeks vacation already passed by and I didn't come back here as I promised to myself. Sorry, I was too busy doing nothing except printing floor plans out of the internet and creating a bender of “future architecture projects,” letting my imagination carrying my focus away to a life too impossible to be experienced in this incarnation. I actually did funny stuff too; I went to the Golden Gate Park with Amanda and we spend a day walking around, I had my fist Manhattan drink, and I went to the SFMOMA by myself to see some exposition. Dennis and I did that travel to Monterrey for a day only, very nice, very simple, very fast. Now it’s time to the reality: Algebra summer classes are too much for a regular human being!
First of all, my book cost $120 dollars used! But them I found another one for $45 on EBay and bought it too, so now I can return the expensive one back to the college’s book store. I have this crazy (in a funny way) Asian teacher called dr. Rick Wing teaching Intermediate Algebra this summer. He is insanely intelligent and extremely fast. Dr. Wing is a very good teacher but we must have to be into what he’s saying and be careful to not step behind his class. I have a test about chapter two of our book tomorrow, and he, believe or not, is already teaching chapter four! I’m not enjoying the way that he has to manage his agenda of tests and I feel that I’m not the only one in class thinking like this. So, today I really felt what an 18 weeks-class compressed in 6 feels like. During the class he asked the class to resolve a few equation of chapter 3.6 and I was doing great until got stuck at the last equation. I decided to erase the whole equation and start over… I resolved it after 5 to 10 minutes trying, but when I looked back to him he was already talking about chapter 4.1! What a hell!? I don’t have time even to think what I’m doing. So now I have homework forever and I’m totally blocked in chapter 3.6. I’ll probably need tutoring tomorrow, since we don’t have time to manage all our doubts in class. Intermediate algebra isn’t that difficult, and the teacher is good… the problem is how fast a math class can be during the summer and the amount of time consumed by the homework. I will think twice before enroll to another math class next summer.
Besides my math problems I have Crea going really bad day by day. After her amazing seizure a couple of months ago, when Dennis and I woke up at 4am with her shaking on the floor, we took her to the vet and she started taking this medicine extremely heavy to stop the seizures, and making her sleep a lot and also a little crazy and very dizzy. Anyway, it stopped the seizures but transformed Crea in a sad looking dog, always sad, slowly, crying and walking with no direction. A few days ago she had another serious seizure that caused more damage in her brain and now she’s worse than never; she got a little blind, and at some moments she seems to be completely blind and start crying. She walks so slowly and powerless and sometimes she can’t support herself and stops, crying. She’s having those “little seizures” and the vet said that it can’t be controlled, and every time she has it, it may cause a little more damage in her brain. I’m seeing her having 5 or 6 a day! She keeping falling in the pond almost daily, she seem lost her memory for a minute or two and forgets where she is. So we can’t let her outside by herself anymore afraid of time when she falls in the deepest area on the pond and can’t swim back to the margin. We can’t let her by herself inside home either because she puppy and pee all over the floor if we don’t command her to go outside. Crea used to be such a happy dog, active, barker, happier, and beautiful. Now it’s even hard to remember those times since the trouble started. Sometimes its difficult to imagine that just passed a few months, because those months with her are being so intense… so sad.
Dennis and I know that brain damage is irreversible, and we know she wont get better… Dennis is having a really bad time with this situation either, more than me of course, because he raised Crea all her life and I just arrive a couple of years ago. I still have hope inside of me and believe that she will at least stop suffering and live the rest of her life quiet and calm, but this idea is fading more and more every day. We already talked about the possibility of putting her to sleep, but something inside me still refuse to think about this possibility. I don’t think I will have courage to take this decision. Dennis has to do it.
So I’m getting sleep now, tomorrow will be a busy day (like the last ones) so it’s better I go to the bed.
First of all, my book cost $120 dollars used! But them I found another one for $45 on EBay and bought it too, so now I can return the expensive one back to the college’s book store. I have this crazy (in a funny way) Asian teacher called dr. Rick Wing teaching Intermediate Algebra this summer. He is insanely intelligent and extremely fast. Dr. Wing is a very good teacher but we must have to be into what he’s saying and be careful to not step behind his class. I have a test about chapter two of our book tomorrow, and he, believe or not, is already teaching chapter four! I’m not enjoying the way that he has to manage his agenda of tests and I feel that I’m not the only one in class thinking like this. So, today I really felt what an 18 weeks-class compressed in 6 feels like. During the class he asked the class to resolve a few equation of chapter 3.6 and I was doing great until got stuck at the last equation. I decided to erase the whole equation and start over… I resolved it after 5 to 10 minutes trying, but when I looked back to him he was already talking about chapter 4.1! What a hell!? I don’t have time even to think what I’m doing. So now I have homework forever and I’m totally blocked in chapter 3.6. I’ll probably need tutoring tomorrow, since we don’t have time to manage all our doubts in class. Intermediate algebra isn’t that difficult, and the teacher is good… the problem is how fast a math class can be during the summer and the amount of time consumed by the homework. I will think twice before enroll to another math class next summer.
Besides my math problems I have Crea going really bad day by day. After her amazing seizure a couple of months ago, when Dennis and I woke up at 4am with her shaking on the floor, we took her to the vet and she started taking this medicine extremely heavy to stop the seizures, and making her sleep a lot and also a little crazy and very dizzy. Anyway, it stopped the seizures but transformed Crea in a sad looking dog, always sad, slowly, crying and walking with no direction. A few days ago she had another serious seizure that caused more damage in her brain and now she’s worse than never; she got a little blind, and at some moments she seems to be completely blind and start crying. She walks so slowly and powerless and sometimes she can’t support herself and stops, crying. She’s having those “little seizures” and the vet said that it can’t be controlled, and every time she has it, it may cause a little more damage in her brain. I’m seeing her having 5 or 6 a day! She keeping falling in the pond almost daily, she seem lost her memory for a minute or two and forgets where she is. So we can’t let her outside by herself anymore afraid of time when she falls in the deepest area on the pond and can’t swim back to the margin. We can’t let her by herself inside home either because she puppy and pee all over the floor if we don’t command her to go outside. Crea used to be such a happy dog, active, barker, happier, and beautiful. Now it’s even hard to remember those times since the trouble started. Sometimes its difficult to imagine that just passed a few months, because those months with her are being so intense… so sad.
Dennis and I know that brain damage is irreversible, and we know she wont get better… Dennis is having a really bad time with this situation either, more than me of course, because he raised Crea all her life and I just arrive a couple of years ago. I still have hope inside of me and believe that she will at least stop suffering and live the rest of her life quiet and calm, but this idea is fading more and more every day. We already talked about the possibility of putting her to sleep, but something inside me still refuse to think about this possibility. I don’t think I will have courage to take this decision. Dennis has to do it.
So I’m getting sleep now, tomorrow will be a busy day (like the last ones) so it’s better I go to the bed.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Semester is over!
This is just a fast posted to express how happy I am with the end of the school semester, even the teachers not releasing the final grades yet. Now it's time to invest my time in my house and my love again.
I started this semester no so good in grades as I should be if I want to transfer to UC Berkeley some day. My first tests were pretty bad because I think I didn't got into the "college responsibilities" on time. Because of that, I had to work really hard to end this semester with a better final grade. For example, in my first test in Algebra I got a D, after that in all my three latest tests I got an A. Believe, it wasn't easy at all to manage four classes plus work and plus life.. However, in Art History I though I would have to work my ass off to follow the class, but at the end I really think it was easy and enjoyable, and I'm absolute sure I'm finishing this semester with an A in arts. My friend Deia also helped me a lot without knowing it; she did incentive me to study just being such a good and smart classmate. She is so dedicated in studying that I decide to follow her. Too bad Writing 6 (which I got an A) probably will be the last class we took together.
I happy to have Dennis helping in his way; he understood that I had to put the College in from of everything during the past months. I just have to thanks him for it because he never complained about me using all of my free time to study and letting him in second plan. He always says that he fells a little guilt because of the fact that I never finished college in Rio. The last past three years we had been working in our long distance relationship a lot trying to finally have a Visa to live together, and every year "I am sure that I was going to United States next semester..." so why to be worry about College? Why sign in to next semester? My life became pretty much on hold during those years. I can't let him be so guilt by himself because his life was on hold as well. That's why I try do not complain about many this I don't think is right in out personal and professional life, such as the money problem we have. I'm glad we have this understanding clearly in our lives.
Now that the semester is over, its time to enjoy the summer, which will be sorter because of the summer class I'll take. I running out of time here, so I decided to always take a summer class between the semesters. This summer will be the second level of Algebra. I'll take just one class, but it will consume my whole mornings from Monday to Thursdays, plus numerously homework's and, of course, work! So, I'll enjoy couple of weeks I have off school to go hang out in San Francisco more (maybe to go to the museums and spend an afternoon at the Golden Gate Park), maybe also to do a fast travel with Dennis, and also to work on the backyard. I miss a lot to do those things. Dennis is planning to take me to Monterrey for a day off office, the grass along the front yard is almost a half of my size, and I need to help Dennis training Kika and Sparky, two new puppies we have now (I know, I know, it's insane we now having three dogs at home).
So, this is my fast post in My Porn Love. Now I have to start reading my summer book "Maturity", from Osho, and wait for this rain stops so I can go home.
I started this semester no so good in grades as I should be if I want to transfer to UC Berkeley some day. My first tests were pretty bad because I think I didn't got into the "college responsibilities" on time. Because of that, I had to work really hard to end this semester with a better final grade. For example, in my first test in Algebra I got a D, after that in all my three latest tests I got an A. Believe, it wasn't easy at all to manage four classes plus work and plus life.. However, in Art History I though I would have to work my ass off to follow the class, but at the end I really think it was easy and enjoyable, and I'm absolute sure I'm finishing this semester with an A in arts. My friend Deia also helped me a lot without knowing it; she did incentive me to study just being such a good and smart classmate. She is so dedicated in studying that I decide to follow her. Too bad Writing 6 (which I got an A) probably will be the last class we took together.
I happy to have Dennis helping in his way; he understood that I had to put the College in from of everything during the past months. I just have to thanks him for it because he never complained about me using all of my free time to study and letting him in second plan. He always says that he fells a little guilt because of the fact that I never finished college in Rio. The last past three years we had been working in our long distance relationship a lot trying to finally have a Visa to live together, and every year "I am sure that I was going to United States next semester..." so why to be worry about College? Why sign in to next semester? My life became pretty much on hold during those years. I can't let him be so guilt by himself because his life was on hold as well. That's why I try do not complain about many this I don't think is right in out personal and professional life, such as the money problem we have. I'm glad we have this understanding clearly in our lives.
Now that the semester is over, its time to enjoy the summer, which will be sorter because of the summer class I'll take. I running out of time here, so I decided to always take a summer class between the semesters. This summer will be the second level of Algebra. I'll take just one class, but it will consume my whole mornings from Monday to Thursdays, plus numerously homework's and, of course, work! So, I'll enjoy couple of weeks I have off school to go hang out in San Francisco more (maybe to go to the museums and spend an afternoon at the Golden Gate Park), maybe also to do a fast travel with Dennis, and also to work on the backyard. I miss a lot to do those things. Dennis is planning to take me to Monterrey for a day off office, the grass along the front yard is almost a half of my size, and I need to help Dennis training Kika and Sparky, two new puppies we have now (I know, I know, it's insane we now having three dogs at home).
So, this is my fast post in My Porn Love. Now I have to start reading my summer book "Maturity", from Osho, and wait for this rain stops so I can go home.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
How My Rommance Survived for the Last Three Years.
We aren’t waiting for all this water coming from the sky a couple of days ago. Dennis and I forgot the on the deck uncovered during all raining night. I also realized that I never bought an umbrella here. With this rain, nothing better than be inside working all day… what a hell am I saying? I spent all day desiring go to the bed and eat everything I can while watching South Park on the TV. I worked all day, but first I went to the gym. Going to the gym is making me feel better because sometimes I get tired too early and also makes me feel more attractive. Am I with a nice body? Not anymore since I just ate a full package of cookies after work before I start writing this. I sited down here in the office organizing my things for tomorrow. Backpack ready and felling myself terrible after that package of cookies. I can’t believe I did it after lost 3 pounds at the gym last week. I need to stop thinking that after a good work out day I deserve crap food like Jack In The Box or chocolate. The problem is that in this country the fast food is just delicious! Sometimes I can’t resist that.
I work for Dennis’s company called Athletic Model Guild; The Athletic Model Guild, or AMG, was founded by gay pornographer pioneer Bob Mizer in December 1945 her in this country. Mizer began his business by taking pictures of men that he knew, both gay and straight. His subjects would often pose for pictures, which, while ostensibly meant to illustrate fitness tips and the like, were clearly produced and published as homoerotic material. He died in the 90s and Dennis bought the company with its statement in 1994, and start make money coping of those old vintage films in DVD and also publishing Bob Mizer’s photos and history. The Athletic Model Guild also makes gay movies made in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I started this brand as a way to stay closer to Dennis until I finally get my visa to come here, which took three years. I not a porn star but just somebody who takes care of financial stuff and eBay selling’s. I reconcile accounts, add numbers on the system, take care of some invoices and payments, and also sell old nude photographs on Ebay. I don’t make much money because it’s a very small company and Dennis can’t afford so much. I’m considering myself as an office manager and accounting assistant. The company is in our basement and we work all day at home. It’s nice to work at home sometimes.
This company is responsible for my relationship with Dennis for last years. When Dennis and I felt in love in that Saturday, February 25, 2006, I knew it would be just one more broken heart. He was living in the U.S going to Brazil two times a year and me, a simple young Brazilian, living in Rio de Janeiro waiting for him… it would never work. I just ignored my feeling for while even knowing that Dennis felt the same for me. After that date, we talked on the phone every single night until I finally move here almost two years ago in 2008. He went back to Brazil four months later and there I was, waiting for him. I couldn’t believe myself doing such thing. I found out about the company later, and also the fact that Dennis always dreamed making adult movies there in Brazil. I start suddenly having a great idea to keep us together.
So, when I knew what he did like to make movies in Brazil, I decided to make it happens. I knew some body that worked in straight adult movies and had him to meet Dennis one day. They talked about it and decided to make those movies that Dennis wanted. That was great! But a little less than one year later this whole idea went out of control, the productions wasn’t that good and this guy that I found was overcharging us. Dennis knew that if he had to pay all that money for production, he couldn’t be able to do more than two movies a year in Brazil. My goal was in risk, the only reason I was being part of this was because I wanted Dennis closer. Dennis decided laid off the guy and I had no other choice then study hard this area, find locations, models, going though some negotiations, finding equipments, and also did payments, work sheets and everything I could do for him to spend more time there. As I didn’t charge more that I need, Dennis saved so much money to fly back to Brazil every two months almost. And that’s how we kept our love.
During those three years trying to get a Visa to come to the U.S, our relationship was surviving by porn movies productions. Funny? Hot? No!!! I couldn’t stand anymore. I never really liked to do this work since was difficult and sometimes dangerous. To work with those kind of people request a lot of patience and there are many guys trying to get a vantage on the “rich American”. I felt so disturbed sometimes that, last production, I said to Dennis that I want to quit. I could see in his eyes how sad he turned, but I did all that only because of the fact that I want to be with him. And now I’m here, in the USA, living every single minute with him. I don’t need to hurt myself doing something that I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I told him that I’ll still be there for him and for everything he needs, and also I’ll try to find somebody to replace me. He knows that nobody will do this work with the same responsibility I did because it was my way to be able to love him. Dennis and I had some very hard times doing that. But I never regretted. I did it for him, for us. Here we are again together, in love, and happy.
I work for Dennis’s company called Athletic Model Guild; The Athletic Model Guild, or AMG, was founded by gay pornographer pioneer Bob Mizer in December 1945 her in this country. Mizer began his business by taking pictures of men that he knew, both gay and straight. His subjects would often pose for pictures, which, while ostensibly meant to illustrate fitness tips and the like, were clearly produced and published as homoerotic material. He died in the 90s and Dennis bought the company with its statement in 1994, and start make money coping of those old vintage films in DVD and also publishing Bob Mizer’s photos and history. The Athletic Model Guild also makes gay movies made in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I started this brand as a way to stay closer to Dennis until I finally get my visa to come here, which took three years. I not a porn star but just somebody who takes care of financial stuff and eBay selling’s. I reconcile accounts, add numbers on the system, take care of some invoices and payments, and also sell old nude photographs on Ebay. I don’t make much money because it’s a very small company and Dennis can’t afford so much. I’m considering myself as an office manager and accounting assistant. The company is in our basement and we work all day at home. It’s nice to work at home sometimes.
This company is responsible for my relationship with Dennis for last years. When Dennis and I felt in love in that Saturday, February 25, 2006, I knew it would be just one more broken heart. He was living in the U.S going to Brazil two times a year and me, a simple young Brazilian, living in Rio de Janeiro waiting for him… it would never work. I just ignored my feeling for while even knowing that Dennis felt the same for me. After that date, we talked on the phone every single night until I finally move here almost two years ago in 2008. He went back to Brazil four months later and there I was, waiting for him. I couldn’t believe myself doing such thing. I found out about the company later, and also the fact that Dennis always dreamed making adult movies there in Brazil. I start suddenly having a great idea to keep us together.
So, when I knew what he did like to make movies in Brazil, I decided to make it happens. I knew some body that worked in straight adult movies and had him to meet Dennis one day. They talked about it and decided to make those movies that Dennis wanted. That was great! But a little less than one year later this whole idea went out of control, the productions wasn’t that good and this guy that I found was overcharging us. Dennis knew that if he had to pay all that money for production, he couldn’t be able to do more than two movies a year in Brazil. My goal was in risk, the only reason I was being part of this was because I wanted Dennis closer. Dennis decided laid off the guy and I had no other choice then study hard this area, find locations, models, going though some negotiations, finding equipments, and also did payments, work sheets and everything I could do for him to spend more time there. As I didn’t charge more that I need, Dennis saved so much money to fly back to Brazil every two months almost. And that’s how we kept our love.
During those three years trying to get a Visa to come to the U.S, our relationship was surviving by porn movies productions. Funny? Hot? No!!! I couldn’t stand anymore. I never really liked to do this work since was difficult and sometimes dangerous. To work with those kind of people request a lot of patience and there are many guys trying to get a vantage on the “rich American”. I felt so disturbed sometimes that, last production, I said to Dennis that I want to quit. I could see in his eyes how sad he turned, but I did all that only because of the fact that I want to be with him. And now I’m here, in the USA, living every single minute with him. I don’t need to hurt myself doing something that I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I told him that I’ll still be there for him and for everything he needs, and also I’ll try to find somebody to replace me. He knows that nobody will do this work with the same responsibility I did because it was my way to be able to love him. Dennis and I had some very hard times doing that. But I never regretted. I did it for him, for us. Here we are again together, in love, and happy.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friends in my life
This weekend I had this felling that everybody is going to leave teh USA someday, and I’ll be the only one that will stay. Many people are here to make money, work, do the college and go back to Brazil. I’m moved here to stay, even thinking about work in Brazil some time in the future, very far future. Flavia, a friend of mine, left some months ago and I really interacted with her since the first time we met. She is a beautiful girls, white, black hair, smart… She was here to study and now is left to work in Brazil. I’m already missing Flavia so much. She’s from Minas Gerais, a state pretty close to the Rio, and she has the cutest Brazilian accent. I like to imitate and I think she doesn’t mind at all. I remember when I met her at the same day I met most all the people that I consider as a friend now. We spent a day in Sonoma, the wine country in California, and we liked each other at the first minute. Ther is another guys I met and left this country. There is Thereza, I didn’t even have time to meet her enough, but she sure is a good person. She went back to Brazil a few months ago too. The couples Gabi and Pedro are gone as well. They are from Porto Alegre, south Brazil, and they were trying to leave here illegally. Pedro was flying back and for to keep his tourist visa legal and Gabi doesn’t. I don’t know much about them because I didn’t have a chance to meet them well. Pedro went back to Brazil for some reason and somehow the immigration didn’t let him come back. He was deported from the airport. I don’t know for how long they were here but they were a life together. Gabi was destroyed. She packaged her stuff one month later and left. I remember one day before this incident Gabi wrote on her twitter something like “Pedro is coming tomorrow, I’m so excited… just Brazilians understand what that means.” That’s so sad. I’m really afraid, even still legal in this country, about the immigration department knocking my door asking me to leave. I have no idea what to do if one day they say I’m here illegal for now one. I think I will never make it.
Mariana and Amanda are still here. I remember when we went to Santa Helena with them. Santa Helena is another city of California known as the wine country. We went by car and on the way Mari and I talked a lot; she is here for many years and I consider her too much as a good friend. She is graduated in journalism in Brazil, and works in a Brazilian restaurant in Berkeley. She is also Amanda’s roommate. Amanda is just great: good energy, always positive, good friend. We drove by pretty places; the road is actually very enjoyed. When we arrived at Santa Helena we decided to make a picnic on the gardens of the city. What a great moment. We all bought food so we made a huge circle within twenty people. Everybody was there, Amanda, Flavia, Dijaz, Monika, Silvania, Karla… I met some people on that day too. There were some guy playing live music and we all appreciated that. Flavia couldn’t stop talking about the day she’s leaving and I’m still very sad about that. I spend $23 in a bottle of wine that cost $7 in the grouched store.
After that we drove back and my friends and we decided to buy more wine, food, and make a dinner in Silvana’s house. Dennis was too tired and decided to go home. Silvana, or just Sil, is aur pair (I have no idea how to write it, but it’s related to take care of kid’s) and her bosses were traveling. That was a really cool Saturday night. I did something that I really like and missed during these passes days when I’m so busy for everything: to be with my friends, and don’t fell alone in this country. We made Brazilian food and stayed at Sil’s all night long. At the end, we made a toast in occasion of our friendship. Agustina, an Argentinean woman also our friend gave me a ride back home. Agustina is very nice and sweet. Dennis and I sympathized a lot with her.
I went out a lot with my friends in Brazil. Gabi, Roberta, Leo, and I were so close and always going out together. I started being very close to Gabi some years ago, and them Leo starts to be part of our friendship some time later. Every Friday night Gabi’s apartment was our meeting point, and from there we decide where to go. I always arrived in Gabi’s apartment with a bag full of beers and a rose from the rose stand right in front of her building. A little more them one year later Roberta and Gabi start dating. I already knew Roberta, but we aren’t friends. I met Roberta when I was dating a guy called Bado and I was doing too much drugs during those times that I can’t remember so well. Roberta and I became so close and so fast that I think scared Gabi a little. Being honest it scared me too. There is almost no weekend without seeing those guys. We went to parties, sleeps in motel rooms together, helping each other. We’re very close friends, a fantastic time. I felt so sad when I left them and move to the U.S. We reserved a great motel room in Copacabana and made a huge party, just four of us. The when Gabi and Roberta took me to the airport next day. I didn’t cry, I never cried in front of them, but I did cry thinking about them later. Now after this awkward situation happened between the girls and me, I never being so hurt in my life.
Mariana and Amanda are still here. I remember when we went to Santa Helena with them. Santa Helena is another city of California known as the wine country. We went by car and on the way Mari and I talked a lot; she is here for many years and I consider her too much as a good friend. She is graduated in journalism in Brazil, and works in a Brazilian restaurant in Berkeley. She is also Amanda’s roommate. Amanda is just great: good energy, always positive, good friend. We drove by pretty places; the road is actually very enjoyed. When we arrived at Santa Helena we decided to make a picnic on the gardens of the city. What a great moment. We all bought food so we made a huge circle within twenty people. Everybody was there, Amanda, Flavia, Dijaz, Monika, Silvania, Karla… I met some people on that day too. There were some guy playing live music and we all appreciated that. Flavia couldn’t stop talking about the day she’s leaving and I’m still very sad about that. I spend $23 in a bottle of wine that cost $7 in the grouched store.
After that we drove back and my friends and we decided to buy more wine, food, and make a dinner in Silvana’s house. Dennis was too tired and decided to go home. Silvana, or just Sil, is aur pair (I have no idea how to write it, but it’s related to take care of kid’s) and her bosses were traveling. That was a really cool Saturday night. I did something that I really like and missed during these passes days when I’m so busy for everything: to be with my friends, and don’t fell alone in this country. We made Brazilian food and stayed at Sil’s all night long. At the end, we made a toast in occasion of our friendship. Agustina, an Argentinean woman also our friend gave me a ride back home. Agustina is very nice and sweet. Dennis and I sympathized a lot with her.
I went out a lot with my friends in Brazil. Gabi, Roberta, Leo, and I were so close and always going out together. I started being very close to Gabi some years ago, and them Leo starts to be part of our friendship some time later. Every Friday night Gabi’s apartment was our meeting point, and from there we decide where to go. I always arrived in Gabi’s apartment with a bag full of beers and a rose from the rose stand right in front of her building. A little more them one year later Roberta and Gabi start dating. I already knew Roberta, but we aren’t friends. I met Roberta when I was dating a guy called Bado and I was doing too much drugs during those times that I can’t remember so well. Roberta and I became so close and so fast that I think scared Gabi a little. Being honest it scared me too. There is almost no weekend without seeing those guys. We went to parties, sleeps in motel rooms together, helping each other. We’re very close friends, a fantastic time. I felt so sad when I left them and move to the U.S. We reserved a great motel room in Copacabana and made a huge party, just four of us. The when Gabi and Roberta took me to the airport next day. I didn’t cry, I never cried in front of them, but I did cry thinking about them later. Now after this awkward situation happened between the girls and me, I never being so hurt in my life.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I'm trying to be in shape and legal.
I’m not really able to talk about everything I’ve doing because I’m having such a busy days. I start my day going to the 24 Hour Fitness in Berkeley downtown. The 24 Hours Fitness is a very known gym here in California. There is a lot of space and equipments, good-looking people working out and a great energy circulating around. I don’t thing is so expensive, I pay $45 a month and I can work out in every 24 Hours I want. In Brazil I usually pay around $80 and the gym wasn’t that good. I’ve been working out a lot because this is something that makes me feel really good, I mean, to have a nice body in shape is very necessary for a good-looking Latino Brazilian guy living in the United States like me (just kidding). Some weeks ago I decided to start taking those pills to burn concentrated fat and I feels like it’s working, but I also feel myself a little dizzy sometimes. I always had this fear of medicine and I believe in everything people say about the contra-indications those kind of medicine attend to have. The fact that making me tries hard to have a good body is that I’m always a little insecure about my look. It could be a “gay thing” or just my personal insurance less about acceptation. I feel that I have the necessity to be looking good all the time. Another reason that makes me take good care about my look is the fact that Dennis has a great body for his age. He’s turning 50 in some years and he’s great shape. He was use to be a bodybuilder many years ago, but this is something we don’t talked so much because this is a period very attached with his ex lover. I’ve been working out everyday Monday to Friday before class plus 30 minutes of cardio. Spend time at the gym really makes my days a lot better.
I go straight to college after the work out. I usually have class right away but something I have one our free and I use it to study in the library or in the student lounge. Those two places are the only places I feel concentrated to study since I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it, so I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.
After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.
Some days ago I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her I always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.
I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriage isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid she was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.
I go straight to college after the work out. I usually have class right away but something I have one our free and I use it to study in the library or in the student lounge. Those two places are the only places I feel concentrated to study since I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it, so I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.
After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.
Some days ago I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her I always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.
I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriage isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid she was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.
Monday, February 22, 2010
My Name is Leandro
My Name is Leandro, 27 years old, Brazilian... and what? I’m not sure really! My life is a mess right now and I’m feeling so lost. At this moment I typed my name in the computer and it shows wrong, underlined in red. Exactly how I feel right now. Leander? Laundry? Lender? What the hell is that? The computer doesn’t let me add my name in the dictionary, too sad. I don’t how tall I am in inches, but I know my weight, 156 lbs. I have black short hair, brown skin, good ‘Brazilian-native’ looking and reorganized teeth thanks to retainers I’ve been using in a few years. Before I was too shy to smile since everybody could notice my huge tooth jumping outside my mouth. I’m also funny, really funny, and happy most of the times. I love to be friendly and I feel that I’m not mature enough to my age and believe or not I really like that way. I feel comfortable with that, I mean, I’m not an idiot or a retard, but I can see things in another perspective when I want to. I think to see the world as a great place to live, love and don’t worry so much about life is very health. I don’t have a easy life, actually my life is too complicated right now like I said already, and I cry, fell depress, suffer, and I want that everything just get over soon, like everybody does. The difference is that I don’t open space for those feeling domain my life and don’t like to talk about the painful situation, on the contrary I prefer don’t give much attention to that because this is exactly the beginning of depression and sadness. I can be very annoying as a depressed person and this mean I will make another people uncomfortable with my presence for sure. That’s why I prefer take a deep breath and move on with my responsibilities and my positive way of view the world. I work hard and hate when people came complaining about their problems to me. I like when people came talking about problems already thinking about a solution, and not just crying sadly like no tomorrow. I’m a very good listening and I like to write. And as a normal young gay guy, I love go out, dance, dress well and travel. My gay life improved a lot since I’m here in the United States in a certain way. I feeling more comfortable to talk about my sexuality and free to be who I am. I’m leaving a strong relationship that survived almost three years of distance between Brazil and USA. Now it’s more real than never. Dennis, or just Den, my partner-love-boyfriend, just came to see what I’m writing. I wont tell, like usual. Our love has to be proved every time since it starts in 2006. With visas interviews and questions about the difference of age and culture, thing I will explain later. And the answer of this question is always yes. I love him. Sometimes I feel that he loves me more than everything. That’s beautiful and scared. I’m feeling that a new time of my life is just starting and I need to clean up my pass, organize it and then move on.
Dennis and I live together, in his house, in El Cerrito California since I moved her ten months ago. The house is beautiful, an antique, how Dennis likes to say. Two bedrooms, unfinished kitchen, a basement remodeled to be the office. Our backyard is amazing now, full of tropical plants and trees. We get out of the house by the bedroom door to the deck in the backyard, going down some stairs, we see a lot of bamboos that started to grow with no control, but Dennis is trying to take care of that. After that, we see a beautiful pound with a pound full of fishes that I love to feed every morning. Dennis usually used this place to photo shoot models. However, it’s 8:33 pm in a Saturday night. I woke up feeling that I need answers, I need to decide my life before I got into 30s. I’m tried to have these dreams about “how lost my life is”. The last one I just had: Dennis and I was living in a Favela, a very poor and dangerous place in Brazil, and I decide to drive to the grouches store to buy more food, and I just drove so bad! Completely lost and afraid of cops, because I didn’t have drive’s license (like in the real life) and at the end, I couldn’t come back home. That dream says, “Man, your life sucks!” I know that because I had a book teaching how to interpret dreams. Every time you dream with houses or cars, and it’s not good, your life isn’t good. And that’s how I’m feeling now. I need to write because this is the only way I have to organize my ideas. Today I had such a busy day. I woke up earlier and cleaned up all back and front yard. Today I concentrated my work cleaning the sidewalk and cutting some things that was growing too much. The sidewalk now has no grass, but some plants and a “line” of Palm Trees. Dennis and I also took a shower outside in the backyard, naked, and this was so good. Neighbors can’t see us. When I arrived here, that place was abandoned, but Dennis and I are working hard on that almost every weekend. We also have a hot tub that can fit six people inside. Our sidewalk is beautiful as well. The house is in a corner; and there are palm trees all over it. The house is also different from other in our little street. Is one of the first houses in this area and Dennis tries hard to keep this impression. The unique color, big front window, the pal trees and the big yellow truck parking in front make the house especial.
After all this handwork I came to the sofa to check my Facebook. I saw that Amanda, my Brazilian friend who lives here, did skydiving today. Why she didn’t call me? I really want to do it too and she knew it! Amanda is Brazilian and did housekeeping for Dennis when he was flying constantly to Brazil. Since I met here you’re being hanging out a lot, doing stuff together and I meeting many people trough her. I feel like Amanda and I are building a good friendship. Talking about friends, one more day without a messenger in my Brazilian Orkut (I kind of Facebook very common in Brazil). I think my friends in Brazil are too busy taking care of their life and interacting with who don’t let them to live in the US. I understand that, seriously, I’m not part of their routine anymore, but it doesn’t mean I lost my friends. Leo is a good example of that, he is my good friend and sometimes we talked by MSN and he tells me all those stories about him going out with his friends, having fun… I got jealous easy, but I know he miss me, and all the moments we spend together drinking, talking, and having fun.
The last time I went to Brazil was in June of this year, and I have this misunderstanding with Gabi, she is one of my best friends. I’m still not sure about what exactly happened in that day at her friend’s barbecue, but I don’t talk with them since I went back. It could be many reasons: jealous, drugs, stress, fear. Gabi started dating Roberta several months ago, and we became very close. To be honest, we were partying more than we suppose to do. Even Gabi always with us, she became afraid about our nightlife with plenty o fun, big expenses and drugs. She told me once that Roberta was going on those things pretty badly and they really want to move in together one day. I didn’t make a big deal about it because, now I can say, I was going out of control as well. At that barbecue, I told Gabi about my intentions for that night even because I was leaving back to the United states and I wanted enjoy everything that I could and she freaked out, had a fight with Roberta about something I don’t know, and left Roberta and I there. Then, some hours later, I notice why. After Gabi let I stayed with Robert all night and start noticing what Gabi was trying to tell me. Robert had no limit on drugs putting us in a very scares situation. It was during all night. In the morning, I had no choice than take her to my house and after I insist a lot she stop and slept in my bed. At that day I understood why Gabi wanted to stop this life and start to have a normal relationship. I also understood that one of the biggest reason their relationship wasn’t working because of me. I was the one that Roberta loved to be with, I was always calling them to hang out, go to the clubs and etc. I realized that, after I moved, they finally got some privacy. So I decide do not call or try to resolve the situation. I just left Brazil without talk with them. Don’t think it’s extreme because it’s not. This is only a breaf comment and I really don’t want to go deep in this story because hurts me a lot. Maybe later I can be feeling good enough to talk more about that. I had my reason to think like that and also feel very sad about the fact that Gabi or Roberta never called or contact me since this day. I founded out that they moved together and I assuming they’re fine. I really hope Gabi and Roberta are fine.
So that’s why I decide to write this. I’m confused, lost, needing organize my ideas, my life. I need to find myself. I need to know who I am and who I can be. I’m in a very anguish and scared moment of my life, when everything could be wrong or write. This is a moment of I can’t plan the future for sue, and a can’t be static as well. I wish I stay here, in my brand new world where I’m able to work, study and make friend. I wish to stay in this world where I’m having a pretty nice life. I wish to stay with the guy that I love. So I will read all this after all, and I’ll prove to myself that I’m not completely lost. I have a very interesting background. I was a happy crazy person in Brazil. I was a gay activist, I’ve been part of a book, I’ve been part of the most funny situations, and the most dangerous situations when I was involved with drugs. I’m glad this time is over and now I can sit down here, write my thoughts, plan my life and realize taht I’m not anyone. I have a life full of stories, a person who loves me more than everything, and some fights that I’m glad I did and now is over. I have great stories of life. I will tell all about in this blog. I had no idea who is reading, I don’t really care who is reading since you don’t judge me as a bad, crazy, or insane person. I just need to talk, to write. This is something that I like to do since I was a kid. To write for me was always a scape.
Dennis and I live together, in his house, in El Cerrito California since I moved her ten months ago. The house is beautiful, an antique, how Dennis likes to say. Two bedrooms, unfinished kitchen, a basement remodeled to be the office. Our backyard is amazing now, full of tropical plants and trees. We get out of the house by the bedroom door to the deck in the backyard, going down some stairs, we see a lot of bamboos that started to grow with no control, but Dennis is trying to take care of that. After that, we see a beautiful pound with a pound full of fishes that I love to feed every morning. Dennis usually used this place to photo shoot models. However, it’s 8:33 pm in a Saturday night. I woke up feeling that I need answers, I need to decide my life before I got into 30s. I’m tried to have these dreams about “how lost my life is”. The last one I just had: Dennis and I was living in a Favela, a very poor and dangerous place in Brazil, and I decide to drive to the grouches store to buy more food, and I just drove so bad! Completely lost and afraid of cops, because I didn’t have drive’s license (like in the real life) and at the end, I couldn’t come back home. That dream says, “Man, your life sucks!” I know that because I had a book teaching how to interpret dreams. Every time you dream with houses or cars, and it’s not good, your life isn’t good. And that’s how I’m feeling now. I need to write because this is the only way I have to organize my ideas. Today I had such a busy day. I woke up earlier and cleaned up all back and front yard. Today I concentrated my work cleaning the sidewalk and cutting some things that was growing too much. The sidewalk now has no grass, but some plants and a “line” of Palm Trees. Dennis and I also took a shower outside in the backyard, naked, and this was so good. Neighbors can’t see us. When I arrived here, that place was abandoned, but Dennis and I are working hard on that almost every weekend. We also have a hot tub that can fit six people inside. Our sidewalk is beautiful as well. The house is in a corner; and there are palm trees all over it. The house is also different from other in our little street. Is one of the first houses in this area and Dennis tries hard to keep this impression. The unique color, big front window, the pal trees and the big yellow truck parking in front make the house especial.
After all this handwork I came to the sofa to check my Facebook. I saw that Amanda, my Brazilian friend who lives here, did skydiving today. Why she didn’t call me? I really want to do it too and she knew it! Amanda is Brazilian and did housekeeping for Dennis when he was flying constantly to Brazil. Since I met here you’re being hanging out a lot, doing stuff together and I meeting many people trough her. I feel like Amanda and I are building a good friendship. Talking about friends, one more day without a messenger in my Brazilian Orkut (I kind of Facebook very common in Brazil). I think my friends in Brazil are too busy taking care of their life and interacting with who don’t let them to live in the US. I understand that, seriously, I’m not part of their routine anymore, but it doesn’t mean I lost my friends. Leo is a good example of that, he is my good friend and sometimes we talked by MSN and he tells me all those stories about him going out with his friends, having fun… I got jealous easy, but I know he miss me, and all the moments we spend together drinking, talking, and having fun.
The last time I went to Brazil was in June of this year, and I have this misunderstanding with Gabi, she is one of my best friends. I’m still not sure about what exactly happened in that day at her friend’s barbecue, but I don’t talk with them since I went back. It could be many reasons: jealous, drugs, stress, fear. Gabi started dating Roberta several months ago, and we became very close. To be honest, we were partying more than we suppose to do. Even Gabi always with us, she became afraid about our nightlife with plenty o fun, big expenses and drugs. She told me once that Roberta was going on those things pretty badly and they really want to move in together one day. I didn’t make a big deal about it because, now I can say, I was going out of control as well. At that barbecue, I told Gabi about my intentions for that night even because I was leaving back to the United states and I wanted enjoy everything that I could and she freaked out, had a fight with Roberta about something I don’t know, and left Roberta and I there. Then, some hours later, I notice why. After Gabi let I stayed with Robert all night and start noticing what Gabi was trying to tell me. Robert had no limit on drugs putting us in a very scares situation. It was during all night. In the morning, I had no choice than take her to my house and after I insist a lot she stop and slept in my bed. At that day I understood why Gabi wanted to stop this life and start to have a normal relationship. I also understood that one of the biggest reason their relationship wasn’t working because of me. I was the one that Roberta loved to be with, I was always calling them to hang out, go to the clubs and etc. I realized that, after I moved, they finally got some privacy. So I decide do not call or try to resolve the situation. I just left Brazil without talk with them. Don’t think it’s extreme because it’s not. This is only a breaf comment and I really don’t want to go deep in this story because hurts me a lot. Maybe later I can be feeling good enough to talk more about that. I had my reason to think like that and also feel very sad about the fact that Gabi or Roberta never called or contact me since this day. I founded out that they moved together and I assuming they’re fine. I really hope Gabi and Roberta are fine.
So that’s why I decide to write this. I’m confused, lost, needing organize my ideas, my life. I need to find myself. I need to know who I am and who I can be. I’m in a very anguish and scared moment of my life, when everything could be wrong or write. This is a moment of I can’t plan the future for sue, and a can’t be static as well. I wish I stay here, in my brand new world where I’m able to work, study and make friend. I wish to stay in this world where I’m having a pretty nice life. I wish to stay with the guy that I love. So I will read all this after all, and I’ll prove to myself that I’m not completely lost. I have a very interesting background. I was a happy crazy person in Brazil. I was a gay activist, I’ve been part of a book, I’ve been part of the most funny situations, and the most dangerous situations when I was involved with drugs. I’m glad this time is over and now I can sit down here, write my thoughts, plan my life and realize taht I’m not anyone. I have a life full of stories, a person who loves me more than everything, and some fights that I’m glad I did and now is over. I have great stories of life. I will tell all about in this blog. I had no idea who is reading, I don’t really care who is reading since you don’t judge me as a bad, crazy, or insane person. I just need to talk, to write. This is something that I like to do since I was a kid. To write for me was always a scape.
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