Good question, so far one of the best chapters of the "Your 5-Minutes Personal Coach". I've been reading this book for a while. David Terry, my friend, gave to me when I was visiting Vegas. I should be done by now, but if I had the capacity of started something, maintain it flowing, and finish with no problems, I would not need this book.

 - Nothing is permanent:
I loved to be reminded that nothing is permanent. I mean, it's sad to know that the good moments and good people in my life right now won't stay like this forever, but after everything that happened with me (everything that changed or now is over) in the past two years sometimes made me feel like a looser, and this quote helps seeing this in a better way. I thought things could last forever. I though my relationship would last forever, friendships would last forever, people would stay the same, and the grass would be always green (greener the other side of the fence of course!). Well, it turns out things raise themselves to a higher level or fell apart completely. Looser? No! it's a change.

 - You are either living by purpose or living by accident.
It's true. My answer? I don't know where I am. But come one! Give me a chance, I spent my 20's married. I left my country, my friends and family, and my language behind believing that I was jumping in something that would last forever. It's been one year since it ended and I finally feel coming out of "oh my god what a fuck happened?" and getting back on my feet. So, don't ask me if the job that I choose and the decisions that I make are related to purpose or it''s just an accidental choice. I'm choosing things that are making me happy, that I'm good at, realistic, and alive. it's too early to answer that. I need to be somewhere to say if that place is my place or not.

 - Fear doesn't necessarily means stop.
No it doesn't, and I should read this book before I felt in panic about some paths that I was trying to take. I should get up and try. I'm getting up and trying right now. I feel scared but I'm doing it. If my plans don't work I will be terrified, and I need to remember that: fear doesn't mean stop. I was watching one episode of How I met Your Mother and there is an interesting moment when one character realizes that her worse fear is to succeed in life. Is that what happening with me right now? I mean, I have all the answers, all the tools. All the self steam books say what I already know. So why I need to read them again to actually do it? I need to meditate in that question. I need to create my base to succeed with no fear.

 - Less is more.
It's a fact and I know that, but the new collection from that store is so pretty… That's my problem, every time I do something good I give myself permission to do something bad as a reward. "Did you follow your weekly workout at the gym? Good! So you deserve coxinhas and pasta the whole weekend sexy man!" I need to do a huge reorganization of my personal belonging. I have clothes hanging that I never use and school materials in box in front of me that I packed way before I left Dennis' house. I need to put them away, but more than that, doing this I will actually see how many stuff I have.

 - The power to change your life is in the choices you make
…and I choose to stay in bed saturday morning watching Modern Family instead of filling all those documents on my table. Bummer!!! Actually I choose to convince this nice guy to go on a date with me, with didn't go anywhere because he was sick, but it leaded to my friend calling me for drinks after that and because I was already out I said ok, with leaded me to stay awake until late and dink more, which leaded me to spent my saturday morning lazy in bed. If I choose to stay home first time, I would not have a lazy saturday. I'm fucking tired of making plans than I never follow. It's not like I've doing bad, but I should do better. So back to my sunny Sunday, I will wash my car and might do brunch with my friend now and them come back home I will organize my agenda for the week and file those goddammit documents on my table. Let's see how it goes ;-)

Sorry teacher, but I fell in love this weekend

Sorry teacher, but I felt in love this weekend

I fell in love again, alone and disappointed
I fell in love this weekend
I fell in love sunday night
I fell in love with his 'hi'
I fell in love for a real person
Modeled by my imagination

I fell in love
for a neighborhood which I passed by
for a house which I can't afford
for a car which I never saw
for a body, like so many bodies
that I already had in life

I stayed home
and I stayed busy
because we traveled together
and he told me his story
and I told him mine
and we stayed together
for a long time

I lived in a castle
I had lots of money
he moved in
I did a party
I slept happy
We fight silly
We made up lovely

The night that I met him
changes so much
every minute change
every new story change
every new thought change

And I feel silly
I feel stupid
I feel alone and disappointed
I wanna cry.
I go back to my routine
I go back to my homework
To the love of my boyfriend
And then I fell in love again

I try to break up
so many seconds
but he always knock
and we do a great sex
and I fell one more time
alone and disappointed

but I keep falling in love
between workouts
between classes
between thoughts
between lives

I'm trying to wake up
and go back to my days
but I keep falling
hurting my knees
my face and my heart
no time for symbolism
I have lots of moments to thought

Are you happy?

I used to have a life that I loved. What happened with that? I changed, everybody change, I may never have a chance to go back. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Moments of conscious depression like those make me think a lot about life. Even having a good one right now, sometimes I like to think how my life would be if I decide to change again.
I know this sensation that I'm feeling. I had it many times before. It's stupid. I don't really give much attention for it anymore.
However, in moments like those my mind can't stop taking me away from my reality, and now I can't stopping wondering... what would happens if I change again.
I feel like stuck in a good life. And yes... I already learned that love isn't enough. How many people suffered for love? I did. I even let it go away from my life once. I miss having control. I miss be alone with my ideas. I miss my bedroom in Rio, and the days I stayed there enjoying myself.
To be stuck in a good life isn't that bad. The adjective I used for it already explains for itself. But I like to fly away sometimes, like I'm trying to do this week.
...and I will.

Letting Go

Lately I've been working on my difficult in letting people go away. The fact that my new friend Brandon is moving to Oregon with his boyfriend hurts me a little... I know him just for a few months, but come on, we're in America. Do you know how hard is to make a friend in this place?
Everything started with Flavia, a Brazilian girl I met when I arrived here. As Amanda, Flavia became a really close friend of mine, and really fast. The difference between Amanda and Flavia is that Amanda is still here. Flavia went back to Brazil a few months later... I'm not making a big drama here. After Flavia, was Gabi, Pedro, Daniel, Taty, Sil, and Marina (Am I forgetting somebody?) and I started with this feeling that the kind of friendship I had in Brazil is impossible here. Everybody go away, back to Brazil, some day.
I started thinking about people who are still here, Amanda, Dijaz, Deia... and they are all Brazilians, good friends, but I had putted in my mind that all Brazilians go away some day.
So, after being a little depressed about that, I putted a goal in my life: make an american friends, gay, and at my age. Sometimes I think it is easier to won the lottery. I met people who were really nice with me and never showed up again, I met those who completely ignored me, those who want just sex, those who look at me as a real alien... and I met Brandon (white american from Minnesota!) and his boyfriend Allan in a really good way, and we became friends fast, and I was glad about the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and hanging out with Americans would guarantee a good friendship for some years.
Well, now I know that I forgot something that is really common in the American culture: Americans move a lot.
So, A few weeks ago, Allan was accepted to an university at Oregon and they're moving in February. That was quite a shock. I started wondering again about the fact that there are no friendships here as I have in Brazil, where people don't usually move. All my worries about having superficial friendships in this country is now back.
And do you know what? Fuck it! I got mad with myself. I've being such a drama queen... I need to work on my fears of letting people go.
Brandon and Allan are my friends here, and they'll be my friends there.
I know I can call Flavia and met her, as good friends, some day.
I know I can go visit Marina because she's my friend and I miss her.
Just before start thinking about that, I read something in the book The Power of Now. I read that after understanding the life situations, and being in peace with ourselves, "Things, people, or conditions that you though you need for happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease."
That part mess my head at that moment, and I couldn'd related it with my fear of loosing people that I like... and I may will. But what can I do? This is life. I have to be honest, I'm having a good time now. College is going great, I'm able to save money to my green card process, I'm healthy, and I can say that I did an American gay friend at my age. All that means that I'm having a good moment, but still can't relax and enjoy it. I have to change that. If my goal for 2010 was to make an American friend, for 2011 my goal will be learning how to let things, people, and conditions go.

Kika's Pregnancy

I took a nap today and dreamed about Kika, my female dog. In my dream, I woke up from a long nap and Kika had her puppies already, a lot of them, running around in the living room.

Kika is pregnant. She'll have her babies in two weeks and I'm worry about it. She's young, Sparky (the father) is her half brother, and I don't know how I'll manage those puppies until they be ready to leave. We're not keeping any of them.

Everything started with the Vet. The woman started saying thing like "Let's see... I think she can live after having babies..." and Dennis and I left that Vet a little upset that the woman didn't give us the answers we want and also put more stuff in our heads.

Now Dennis is all worried about it, and keep sending those emails with info about dog's pregnancy, like photos, videos, etc. I don't really wanna see dogs being born! Most of those emails are about what to do in case a puppy gets stuck, how to cut the umbilical cord, and how to proceed in case 'the mother starts eating one of the puppies.' I not gonna be ready for that, I'll let the nature do the work.

Dennis' aunt, Jane, who gave us the puppies, founded out that Kika is pregnant and gave us some advices. Dennis said that she made him less worried. But we are about to have a lot of work, and I feel that I won't enjoy taking care of these babies. Especially when the college starts again.

I remember when my other dog had babies. Her name was Kika as well and I was a teenager. It was so easy. She got pregnant, and started having the contractions under my bed. My mom and I tried to move her to a better (and clean) place and she become a little aggressive. We decided to let her there alone and close the my bedroom. After a few hours we came back and there the babies were. All clean, perfect, and alive. Now here everybody are making such a drama that I started being really worried about it.

I just hope everything will be ok.

Year 2011 Overview

Year 2011 Overview

Out with the old matrix and in with something totally different -- with trailblazing Rams leading the way as usual. It's all about the new in 2011. Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows Jupiter into Aries in March. You won't have a second to forget that you're the consummate pioneer of the zodiac. With Jupiter and Uranus tag teaming it in your constellation, much new ground needs breaking in 2011. You'll barely have a second to rest and process all the brand spanking newness that has become part and parcel of your everyday life. Long-distance travel, philosophy, higher learning and experimentation are all par for a very exciting course as this mighty year unfolds.

Expect a birthday season to remember with lucky Jupiter and life-changing Uranus working wonders in your fiery stars. Your innate go-getter instincts are off the charts. As the spring season gets underway, life hits maximum speed (sleep, what's that?) May Day alert: Circle May 1 on your calendar with a big red sharpie, Rams! An explosive amount of Aries planetary energy abounds as six -- count 'em, six -- planets traverse your incendiary corner of the zodiac simultaneously. This includes Moon, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and Uranus all rallying for your cause. Age of Aquarius themes pop up as Jupiter in fact does align with Mars on this very powerful day. Every second counts and actions speak infinitely larger than words.

Summertime brings Jupiter's jackpot in your money sector. Expect a nice fattening of the piggy between June and December with incredible opportunities to make the big bank. Love, pleasure and romance hit a high note in late September. Venus brings the beauty and love to your partnership sector while Mars simultaneously brings the sparks to your romance sector. Long-distance travel and adventures galore take precedence in November. While in December professional responsibilities will demand the majority of time and energy. But if you're willing to go the extra mile, your status could easily skyrocket.

Guess What!?

Guess What? Dennis convinced me to take History of the Modern World instead of Communication 1A.