I used to have a life that I loved. What happened with that? I changed, everybody change, I may never have a chance to go back. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Moments of conscious depression like those make me think a lot about life. Even having a good one right now, sometimes I like to think how my life would be if I decide to change again.
I know this sensation that I'm feeling. I had it many times before. It's stupid. I don't really give much attention for it anymore.
However, in moments like those my mind can't stop taking me away from my reality, and now I can't stopping wondering... what would happens if I change again.
I feel like stuck in a good life. And yes... I already learned that love isn't enough. How many people suffered for love? I did. I even let it go away from my life once. I miss having control. I miss be alone with my ideas. I miss my bedroom in Rio, and the days I stayed there enjoying myself.
To be stuck in a good life isn't that bad. The adjective I used for it already explains for itself. But I like to fly away sometimes, like I'm trying to do this week.
...and I will.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Letting Go
Lately I've been working on my difficult in letting people go away. The fact that my new friend Brandon is moving to Oregon with his boyfriend hurts me a little... I know him just for a few months, but come on, we're in America. Do you know how hard is to make a friend in this place?
Everything started with Flavia, a Brazilian girl I met when I arrived here. As Amanda, Flavia became a really close friend of mine, and really fast. The difference between Amanda and Flavia is that Amanda is still here. Flavia went back to Brazil a few months later... I'm not making a big drama here. After Flavia, was Gabi, Pedro, Daniel, Taty, Sil, and Marina (Am I forgetting somebody?) and I started with this feeling that the kind of friendship I had in Brazil is impossible here. Everybody go away, back to Brazil, some day.
I started thinking about people who are still here, Amanda, Dijaz, Deia... and they are all Brazilians, good friends, but I had putted in my mind that all Brazilians go away some day.
So, after being a little depressed about that, I putted a goal in my life: make an american friends, gay, and at my age. Sometimes I think it is easier to won the lottery. I met people who were really nice with me and never showed up again, I met those who completely ignored me, those who want just sex, those who look at me as a real alien... and I met Brandon (white american from Minnesota!) and his boyfriend Allan in a really good way, and we became friends fast, and I was glad about the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and hanging out with Americans would guarantee a good friendship for some years.
Well, now I know that I forgot something that is really common in the American culture: Americans move a lot.
So, A few weeks ago, Allan was accepted to an university at Oregon and they're moving in February. That was quite a shock. I started wondering again about the fact that there are no friendships here as I have in Brazil, where people don't usually move. All my worries about having superficial friendships in this country is now back.
And do you know what? Fuck it! I got mad with myself. I've being such a drama queen... I need to work on my fears of letting people go.
Brandon and Allan are my friends here, and they'll be my friends there.
I know I can call Flavia and met her, as good friends, some day.
I know I can go visit Marina because she's my friend and I miss her.
Just before start thinking about that, I read something in the book The Power of Now. I read that after understanding the life situations, and being in peace with ourselves, "Things, people, or conditions that you though you need for happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease."
That part mess my head at that moment, and I couldn'd related it with my fear of loosing people that I like... and I may will. But what can I do? This is life. I have to be honest, I'm having a good time now. College is going great, I'm able to save money to my green card process, I'm healthy, and I can say that I did an American gay friend at my age. All that means that I'm having a good moment, but still can't relax and enjoy it. I have to change that. If my goal for 2010 was to make an American friend, for 2011 my goal will be learning how to let things, people, and conditions go.
Everything started with Flavia, a Brazilian girl I met when I arrived here. As Amanda, Flavia became a really close friend of mine, and really fast. The difference between Amanda and Flavia is that Amanda is still here. Flavia went back to Brazil a few months later... I'm not making a big drama here. After Flavia, was Gabi, Pedro, Daniel, Taty, Sil, and Marina (Am I forgetting somebody?) and I started with this feeling that the kind of friendship I had in Brazil is impossible here. Everybody go away, back to Brazil, some day.
I started thinking about people who are still here, Amanda, Dijaz, Deia... and they are all Brazilians, good friends, but I had putted in my mind that all Brazilians go away some day.
So, after being a little depressed about that, I putted a goal in my life: make an american friends, gay, and at my age. Sometimes I think it is easier to won the lottery. I met people who were really nice with me and never showed up again, I met those who completely ignored me, those who want just sex, those who look at me as a real alien... and I met Brandon (white american from Minnesota!) and his boyfriend Allan in a really good way, and we became friends fast, and I was glad about the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and hanging out with Americans would guarantee a good friendship for some years.
Well, now I know that I forgot something that is really common in the American culture: Americans move a lot.
So, A few weeks ago, Allan was accepted to an university at Oregon and they're moving in February. That was quite a shock. I started wondering again about the fact that there are no friendships here as I have in Brazil, where people don't usually move. All my worries about having superficial friendships in this country is now back.
And do you know what? Fuck it! I got mad with myself. I've being such a drama queen... I need to work on my fears of letting people go.
Brandon and Allan are my friends here, and they'll be my friends there.
I know I can call Flavia and met her, as good friends, some day.
I know I can go visit Marina because she's my friend and I miss her.
Just before start thinking about that, I read something in the book The Power of Now. I read that after understanding the life situations, and being in peace with ourselves, "Things, people, or conditions that you though you need for happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease."
That part mess my head at that moment, and I couldn'd related it with my fear of loosing people that I like... and I may will. But what can I do? This is life. I have to be honest, I'm having a good time now. College is going great, I'm able to save money to my green card process, I'm healthy, and I can say that I did an American gay friend at my age. All that means that I'm having a good moment, but still can't relax and enjoy it. I have to change that. If my goal for 2010 was to make an American friend, for 2011 my goal will be learning how to let things, people, and conditions go.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Kika's Pregnancy
I took a nap today and dreamed about Kika, my female dog. In my dream, I woke up from a long nap and Kika had her puppies already, a lot of them, running around in the living room.
Kika is pregnant. She'll have her babies in two weeks and I'm worry about it. She's young, Sparky (the father) is her half brother, and I don't know how I'll manage those puppies until they be ready to leave. We're not keeping any of them.
Everything started with the Vet. The woman started saying thing like "Let's see... I think she can live after having babies..." and Dennis and I left that Vet a little upset that the woman didn't give us the answers we want and also put more stuff in our heads.
Now Dennis is all worried about it, and keep sending those emails with info about dog's pregnancy, like photos, videos, etc. I don't really wanna see dogs being born! Most of those emails are about what to do in case a puppy gets stuck, how to cut the umbilical cord, and how to proceed in case 'the mother starts eating one of the puppies.' I not gonna be ready for that, I'll let the nature do the work.
Dennis' aunt, Jane, who gave us the puppies, founded out that Kika is pregnant and gave us some advices. Dennis said that she made him less worried. But we are about to have a lot of work, and I feel that I won't enjoy taking care of these babies. Especially when the college starts again.
I remember when my other dog had babies. Her name was Kika as well and I was a teenager. It was so easy. She got pregnant, and started having the contractions under my bed. My mom and I tried to move her to a better (and clean) place and she become a little aggressive. We decided to let her there alone and close the my bedroom. After a few hours we came back and there the babies were. All clean, perfect, and alive. Now here everybody are making such a drama that I started being really worried about it.
I just hope everything will be ok.
Kika is pregnant. She'll have her babies in two weeks and I'm worry about it. She's young, Sparky (the father) is her half brother, and I don't know how I'll manage those puppies until they be ready to leave. We're not keeping any of them.
Everything started with the Vet. The woman started saying thing like "Let's see... I think she can live after having babies..." and Dennis and I left that Vet a little upset that the woman didn't give us the answers we want and also put more stuff in our heads.
Now Dennis is all worried about it, and keep sending those emails with info about dog's pregnancy, like photos, videos, etc. I don't really wanna see dogs being born! Most of those emails are about what to do in case a puppy gets stuck, how to cut the umbilical cord, and how to proceed in case 'the mother starts eating one of the puppies.' I not gonna be ready for that, I'll let the nature do the work.
Dennis' aunt, Jane, who gave us the puppies, founded out that Kika is pregnant and gave us some advices. Dennis said that she made him less worried. But we are about to have a lot of work, and I feel that I won't enjoy taking care of these babies. Especially when the college starts again.
I remember when my other dog had babies. Her name was Kika as well and I was a teenager. It was so easy. She got pregnant, and started having the contractions under my bed. My mom and I tried to move her to a better (and clean) place and she become a little aggressive. We decided to let her there alone and close the my bedroom. After a few hours we came back and there the babies were. All clean, perfect, and alive. Now here everybody are making such a drama that I started being really worried about it.
I just hope everything will be ok.
Year 2011 Overview
Year 2011 Overview
Out with the old matrix and in with something totally different -- with trailblazing Rams leading the way as usual. It's all about the new in 2011. Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows Jupiter into Aries in March. You won't have a second to forget that you're the consummate pioneer of the zodiac. With Jupiter and Uranus tag teaming it in your constellation, much new ground needs breaking in 2011. You'll barely have a second to rest and process all the brand spanking newness that has become part and parcel of your everyday life. Long-distance travel, philosophy, higher learning and experimentation are all par for a very exciting course as this mighty year unfolds.
Expect a birthday season to remember with lucky Jupiter and life-changing Uranus working wonders in your fiery stars. Your innate go-getter instincts are off the charts. As the spring season gets underway, life hits maximum speed (sleep, what's that?) May Day alert: Circle May 1 on your calendar with a big red sharpie, Rams! An explosive amount of Aries planetary energy abounds as six -- count 'em, six -- planets traverse your incendiary corner of the zodiac simultaneously. This includes Moon, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and Uranus all rallying for your cause. Age of Aquarius themes pop up as Jupiter in fact does align with Mars on this very powerful day. Every second counts and actions speak infinitely larger than words.
Summertime brings Jupiter's jackpot in your money sector. Expect a nice fattening of the piggy between June and December with incredible opportunities to make the big bank. Love, pleasure and romance hit a high note in late September. Venus brings the beauty and love to your partnership sector while Mars simultaneously brings the sparks to your romance sector. Long-distance travel and adventures galore take precedence in November. While in December professional responsibilities will demand the majority of time and energy. But if you're willing to go the extra mile, your status could easily skyrocket.
Out with the old matrix and in with something totally different -- with trailblazing Rams leading the way as usual. It's all about the new in 2011. Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows Jupiter into Aries in March. You won't have a second to forget that you're the consummate pioneer of the zodiac. With Jupiter and Uranus tag teaming it in your constellation, much new ground needs breaking in 2011. You'll barely have a second to rest and process all the brand spanking newness that has become part and parcel of your everyday life. Long-distance travel, philosophy, higher learning and experimentation are all par for a very exciting course as this mighty year unfolds.
Expect a birthday season to remember with lucky Jupiter and life-changing Uranus working wonders in your fiery stars. Your innate go-getter instincts are off the charts. As the spring season gets underway, life hits maximum speed (sleep, what's that?) May Day alert: Circle May 1 on your calendar with a big red sharpie, Rams! An explosive amount of Aries planetary energy abounds as six -- count 'em, six -- planets traverse your incendiary corner of the zodiac simultaneously. This includes Moon, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and Uranus all rallying for your cause. Age of Aquarius themes pop up as Jupiter in fact does align with Mars on this very powerful day. Every second counts and actions speak infinitely larger than words.
Summertime brings Jupiter's jackpot in your money sector. Expect a nice fattening of the piggy between June and December with incredible opportunities to make the big bank. Love, pleasure and romance hit a high note in late September. Venus brings the beauty and love to your partnership sector while Mars simultaneously brings the sparks to your romance sector. Long-distance travel and adventures galore take precedence in November. While in December professional responsibilities will demand the majority of time and energy. But if you're willing to go the extra mile, your status could easily skyrocket.
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