This is just a fast posted to express how happy I am with the end of the school semester, even the teachers not releasing the final grades yet. Now it's time to invest my time in my house and my love again.
I started this semester no so good in grades as I should be if I want to transfer to UC Berkeley some day. My first tests were pretty bad because I think I didn't got into the "college responsibilities" on time. Because of that, I had to work really hard to end this semester with a better final grade. For example, in my first test in Algebra I got a D, after that in all my three latest tests I got an A. Believe, it wasn't easy at all to manage four classes plus work and plus life.. However, in Art History I though I would have to work my ass off to follow the class, but at the end I really think it was easy and enjoyable, and I'm absolute sure I'm finishing this semester with an A in arts. My friend Deia also helped me a lot without knowing it; she did incentive me to study just being such a good and smart classmate. She is so dedicated in studying that I decide to follow her. Too bad Writing 6 (which I got an A) probably will be the last class we took together.
I happy to have Dennis helping in his way; he understood that I had to put the College in from of everything during the past months. I just have to thanks him for it because he never complained about me using all of my free time to study and letting him in second plan. He always says that he fells a little guilt because of the fact that I never finished college in Rio. The last past three years we had been working in our long distance relationship a lot trying to finally have a Visa to live together, and every year "I am sure that I was going to United States next semester..." so why to be worry about College? Why sign in to next semester? My life became pretty much on hold during those years. I can't let him be so guilt by himself because his life was on hold as well. That's why I try do not complain about many this I don't think is right in out personal and professional life, such as the money problem we have. I'm glad we have this understanding clearly in our lives.
Now that the semester is over, its time to enjoy the summer, which will be sorter because of the summer class I'll take. I running out of time here, so I decided to always take a summer class between the semesters. This summer will be the second level of Algebra. I'll take just one class, but it will consume my whole mornings from Monday to Thursdays, plus numerously homework's and, of course, work! So, I'll enjoy couple of weeks I have off school to go hang out in San Francisco more (maybe to go to the museums and spend an afternoon at the Golden Gate Park), maybe also to do a fast travel with Dennis, and also to work on the backyard. I miss a lot to do those things. Dennis is planning to take me to Monterrey for a day off office, the grass along the front yard is almost a half of my size, and I need to help Dennis training Kika and Sparky, two new puppies we have now (I know, I know, it's insane we now having three dogs at home).
So, this is my fast post in My Porn Love. Now I have to start reading my summer book "Maturity", from Osho, and wait for this rain stops so I can go home.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
How My Rommance Survived for the Last Three Years.
We aren’t waiting for all this water coming from the sky a couple of days ago. Dennis and I forgot the on the deck uncovered during all raining night. I also realized that I never bought an umbrella here. With this rain, nothing better than be inside working all day… what a hell am I saying? I spent all day desiring go to the bed and eat everything I can while watching South Park on the TV. I worked all day, but first I went to the gym. Going to the gym is making me feel better because sometimes I get tired too early and also makes me feel more attractive. Am I with a nice body? Not anymore since I just ate a full package of cookies after work before I start writing this. I sited down here in the office organizing my things for tomorrow. Backpack ready and felling myself terrible after that package of cookies. I can’t believe I did it after lost 3 pounds at the gym last week. I need to stop thinking that after a good work out day I deserve crap food like Jack In The Box or chocolate. The problem is that in this country the fast food is just delicious! Sometimes I can’t resist that.
I work for Dennis’s company called Athletic Model Guild; The Athletic Model Guild, or AMG, was founded by gay pornographer pioneer Bob Mizer in December 1945 her in this country. Mizer began his business by taking pictures of men that he knew, both gay and straight. His subjects would often pose for pictures, which, while ostensibly meant to illustrate fitness tips and the like, were clearly produced and published as homoerotic material. He died in the 90s and Dennis bought the company with its statement in 1994, and start make money coping of those old vintage films in DVD and also publishing Bob Mizer’s photos and history. The Athletic Model Guild also makes gay movies made in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I started this brand as a way to stay closer to Dennis until I finally get my visa to come here, which took three years. I not a porn star but just somebody who takes care of financial stuff and eBay selling’s. I reconcile accounts, add numbers on the system, take care of some invoices and payments, and also sell old nude photographs on Ebay. I don’t make much money because it’s a very small company and Dennis can’t afford so much. I’m considering myself as an office manager and accounting assistant. The company is in our basement and we work all day at home. It’s nice to work at home sometimes.
This company is responsible for my relationship with Dennis for last years. When Dennis and I felt in love in that Saturday, February 25, 2006, I knew it would be just one more broken heart. He was living in the U.S going to Brazil two times a year and me, a simple young Brazilian, living in Rio de Janeiro waiting for him… it would never work. I just ignored my feeling for while even knowing that Dennis felt the same for me. After that date, we talked on the phone every single night until I finally move here almost two years ago in 2008. He went back to Brazil four months later and there I was, waiting for him. I couldn’t believe myself doing such thing. I found out about the company later, and also the fact that Dennis always dreamed making adult movies there in Brazil. I start suddenly having a great idea to keep us together.
So, when I knew what he did like to make movies in Brazil, I decided to make it happens. I knew some body that worked in straight adult movies and had him to meet Dennis one day. They talked about it and decided to make those movies that Dennis wanted. That was great! But a little less than one year later this whole idea went out of control, the productions wasn’t that good and this guy that I found was overcharging us. Dennis knew that if he had to pay all that money for production, he couldn’t be able to do more than two movies a year in Brazil. My goal was in risk, the only reason I was being part of this was because I wanted Dennis closer. Dennis decided laid off the guy and I had no other choice then study hard this area, find locations, models, going though some negotiations, finding equipments, and also did payments, work sheets and everything I could do for him to spend more time there. As I didn’t charge more that I need, Dennis saved so much money to fly back to Brazil every two months almost. And that’s how we kept our love.
During those three years trying to get a Visa to come to the U.S, our relationship was surviving by porn movies productions. Funny? Hot? No!!! I couldn’t stand anymore. I never really liked to do this work since was difficult and sometimes dangerous. To work with those kind of people request a lot of patience and there are many guys trying to get a vantage on the “rich American”. I felt so disturbed sometimes that, last production, I said to Dennis that I want to quit. I could see in his eyes how sad he turned, but I did all that only because of the fact that I want to be with him. And now I’m here, in the USA, living every single minute with him. I don’t need to hurt myself doing something that I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I told him that I’ll still be there for him and for everything he needs, and also I’ll try to find somebody to replace me. He knows that nobody will do this work with the same responsibility I did because it was my way to be able to love him. Dennis and I had some very hard times doing that. But I never regretted. I did it for him, for us. Here we are again together, in love, and happy.
I work for Dennis’s company called Athletic Model Guild; The Athletic Model Guild, or AMG, was founded by gay pornographer pioneer Bob Mizer in December 1945 her in this country. Mizer began his business by taking pictures of men that he knew, both gay and straight. His subjects would often pose for pictures, which, while ostensibly meant to illustrate fitness tips and the like, were clearly produced and published as homoerotic material. He died in the 90s and Dennis bought the company with its statement in 1994, and start make money coping of those old vintage films in DVD and also publishing Bob Mizer’s photos and history. The Athletic Model Guild also makes gay movies made in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I started this brand as a way to stay closer to Dennis until I finally get my visa to come here, which took three years. I not a porn star but just somebody who takes care of financial stuff and eBay selling’s. I reconcile accounts, add numbers on the system, take care of some invoices and payments, and also sell old nude photographs on Ebay. I don’t make much money because it’s a very small company and Dennis can’t afford so much. I’m considering myself as an office manager and accounting assistant. The company is in our basement and we work all day at home. It’s nice to work at home sometimes.
This company is responsible for my relationship with Dennis for last years. When Dennis and I felt in love in that Saturday, February 25, 2006, I knew it would be just one more broken heart. He was living in the U.S going to Brazil two times a year and me, a simple young Brazilian, living in Rio de Janeiro waiting for him… it would never work. I just ignored my feeling for while even knowing that Dennis felt the same for me. After that date, we talked on the phone every single night until I finally move here almost two years ago in 2008. He went back to Brazil four months later and there I was, waiting for him. I couldn’t believe myself doing such thing. I found out about the company later, and also the fact that Dennis always dreamed making adult movies there in Brazil. I start suddenly having a great idea to keep us together.
So, when I knew what he did like to make movies in Brazil, I decided to make it happens. I knew some body that worked in straight adult movies and had him to meet Dennis one day. They talked about it and decided to make those movies that Dennis wanted. That was great! But a little less than one year later this whole idea went out of control, the productions wasn’t that good and this guy that I found was overcharging us. Dennis knew that if he had to pay all that money for production, he couldn’t be able to do more than two movies a year in Brazil. My goal was in risk, the only reason I was being part of this was because I wanted Dennis closer. Dennis decided laid off the guy and I had no other choice then study hard this area, find locations, models, going though some negotiations, finding equipments, and also did payments, work sheets and everything I could do for him to spend more time there. As I didn’t charge more that I need, Dennis saved so much money to fly back to Brazil every two months almost. And that’s how we kept our love.
During those three years trying to get a Visa to come to the U.S, our relationship was surviving by porn movies productions. Funny? Hot? No!!! I couldn’t stand anymore. I never really liked to do this work since was difficult and sometimes dangerous. To work with those kind of people request a lot of patience and there are many guys trying to get a vantage on the “rich American”. I felt so disturbed sometimes that, last production, I said to Dennis that I want to quit. I could see in his eyes how sad he turned, but I did all that only because of the fact that I want to be with him. And now I’m here, in the USA, living every single minute with him. I don’t need to hurt myself doing something that I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I told him that I’ll still be there for him and for everything he needs, and also I’ll try to find somebody to replace me. He knows that nobody will do this work with the same responsibility I did because it was my way to be able to love him. Dennis and I had some very hard times doing that. But I never regretted. I did it for him, for us. Here we are again together, in love, and happy.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friends in my life
This weekend I had this felling that everybody is going to leave teh USA someday, and I’ll be the only one that will stay. Many people are here to make money, work, do the college and go back to Brazil. I’m moved here to stay, even thinking about work in Brazil some time in the future, very far future. Flavia, a friend of mine, left some months ago and I really interacted with her since the first time we met. She is a beautiful girls, white, black hair, smart… She was here to study and now is left to work in Brazil. I’m already missing Flavia so much. She’s from Minas Gerais, a state pretty close to the Rio, and she has the cutest Brazilian accent. I like to imitate and I think she doesn’t mind at all. I remember when I met her at the same day I met most all the people that I consider as a friend now. We spent a day in Sonoma, the wine country in California, and we liked each other at the first minute. Ther is another guys I met and left this country. There is Thereza, I didn’t even have time to meet her enough, but she sure is a good person. She went back to Brazil a few months ago too. The couples Gabi and Pedro are gone as well. They are from Porto Alegre, south Brazil, and they were trying to leave here illegally. Pedro was flying back and for to keep his tourist visa legal and Gabi doesn’t. I don’t know much about them because I didn’t have a chance to meet them well. Pedro went back to Brazil for some reason and somehow the immigration didn’t let him come back. He was deported from the airport. I don’t know for how long they were here but they were a life together. Gabi was destroyed. She packaged her stuff one month later and left. I remember one day before this incident Gabi wrote on her twitter something like “Pedro is coming tomorrow, I’m so excited… just Brazilians understand what that means.” That’s so sad. I’m really afraid, even still legal in this country, about the immigration department knocking my door asking me to leave. I have no idea what to do if one day they say I’m here illegal for now one. I think I will never make it.
Mariana and Amanda are still here. I remember when we went to Santa Helena with them. Santa Helena is another city of California known as the wine country. We went by car and on the way Mari and I talked a lot; she is here for many years and I consider her too much as a good friend. She is graduated in journalism in Brazil, and works in a Brazilian restaurant in Berkeley. She is also Amanda’s roommate. Amanda is just great: good energy, always positive, good friend. We drove by pretty places; the road is actually very enjoyed. When we arrived at Santa Helena we decided to make a picnic on the gardens of the city. What a great moment. We all bought food so we made a huge circle within twenty people. Everybody was there, Amanda, Flavia, Dijaz, Monika, Silvania, Karla… I met some people on that day too. There were some guy playing live music and we all appreciated that. Flavia couldn’t stop talking about the day she’s leaving and I’m still very sad about that. I spend $23 in a bottle of wine that cost $7 in the grouched store.
After that we drove back and my friends and we decided to buy more wine, food, and make a dinner in Silvana’s house. Dennis was too tired and decided to go home. Silvana, or just Sil, is aur pair (I have no idea how to write it, but it’s related to take care of kid’s) and her bosses were traveling. That was a really cool Saturday night. I did something that I really like and missed during these passes days when I’m so busy for everything: to be with my friends, and don’t fell alone in this country. We made Brazilian food and stayed at Sil’s all night long. At the end, we made a toast in occasion of our friendship. Agustina, an Argentinean woman also our friend gave me a ride back home. Agustina is very nice and sweet. Dennis and I sympathized a lot with her.
I went out a lot with my friends in Brazil. Gabi, Roberta, Leo, and I were so close and always going out together. I started being very close to Gabi some years ago, and them Leo starts to be part of our friendship some time later. Every Friday night Gabi’s apartment was our meeting point, and from there we decide where to go. I always arrived in Gabi’s apartment with a bag full of beers and a rose from the rose stand right in front of her building. A little more them one year later Roberta and Gabi start dating. I already knew Roberta, but we aren’t friends. I met Roberta when I was dating a guy called Bado and I was doing too much drugs during those times that I can’t remember so well. Roberta and I became so close and so fast that I think scared Gabi a little. Being honest it scared me too. There is almost no weekend without seeing those guys. We went to parties, sleeps in motel rooms together, helping each other. We’re very close friends, a fantastic time. I felt so sad when I left them and move to the U.S. We reserved a great motel room in Copacabana and made a huge party, just four of us. The when Gabi and Roberta took me to the airport next day. I didn’t cry, I never cried in front of them, but I did cry thinking about them later. Now after this awkward situation happened between the girls and me, I never being so hurt in my life.
Mariana and Amanda are still here. I remember when we went to Santa Helena with them. Santa Helena is another city of California known as the wine country. We went by car and on the way Mari and I talked a lot; she is here for many years and I consider her too much as a good friend. She is graduated in journalism in Brazil, and works in a Brazilian restaurant in Berkeley. She is also Amanda’s roommate. Amanda is just great: good energy, always positive, good friend. We drove by pretty places; the road is actually very enjoyed. When we arrived at Santa Helena we decided to make a picnic on the gardens of the city. What a great moment. We all bought food so we made a huge circle within twenty people. Everybody was there, Amanda, Flavia, Dijaz, Monika, Silvania, Karla… I met some people on that day too. There were some guy playing live music and we all appreciated that. Flavia couldn’t stop talking about the day she’s leaving and I’m still very sad about that. I spend $23 in a bottle of wine that cost $7 in the grouched store.
After that we drove back and my friends and we decided to buy more wine, food, and make a dinner in Silvana’s house. Dennis was too tired and decided to go home. Silvana, or just Sil, is aur pair (I have no idea how to write it, but it’s related to take care of kid’s) and her bosses were traveling. That was a really cool Saturday night. I did something that I really like and missed during these passes days when I’m so busy for everything: to be with my friends, and don’t fell alone in this country. We made Brazilian food and stayed at Sil’s all night long. At the end, we made a toast in occasion of our friendship. Agustina, an Argentinean woman also our friend gave me a ride back home. Agustina is very nice and sweet. Dennis and I sympathized a lot with her.
I went out a lot with my friends in Brazil. Gabi, Roberta, Leo, and I were so close and always going out together. I started being very close to Gabi some years ago, and them Leo starts to be part of our friendship some time later. Every Friday night Gabi’s apartment was our meeting point, and from there we decide where to go. I always arrived in Gabi’s apartment with a bag full of beers and a rose from the rose stand right in front of her building. A little more them one year later Roberta and Gabi start dating. I already knew Roberta, but we aren’t friends. I met Roberta when I was dating a guy called Bado and I was doing too much drugs during those times that I can’t remember so well. Roberta and I became so close and so fast that I think scared Gabi a little. Being honest it scared me too. There is almost no weekend without seeing those guys. We went to parties, sleeps in motel rooms together, helping each other. We’re very close friends, a fantastic time. I felt so sad when I left them and move to the U.S. We reserved a great motel room in Copacabana and made a huge party, just four of us. The when Gabi and Roberta took me to the airport next day. I didn’t cry, I never cried in front of them, but I did cry thinking about them later. Now after this awkward situation happened between the girls and me, I never being so hurt in my life.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I'm trying to be in shape and legal.
I’m not really able to talk about everything I’ve doing because I’m having such a busy days. I start my day going to the 24 Hour Fitness in Berkeley downtown. The 24 Hours Fitness is a very known gym here in California. There is a lot of space and equipments, good-looking people working out and a great energy circulating around. I don’t thing is so expensive, I pay $45 a month and I can work out in every 24 Hours I want. In Brazil I usually pay around $80 and the gym wasn’t that good. I’ve been working out a lot because this is something that makes me feel really good, I mean, to have a nice body in shape is very necessary for a good-looking Latino Brazilian guy living in the United States like me (just kidding). Some weeks ago I decided to start taking those pills to burn concentrated fat and I feels like it’s working, but I also feel myself a little dizzy sometimes. I always had this fear of medicine and I believe in everything people say about the contra-indications those kind of medicine attend to have. The fact that making me tries hard to have a good body is that I’m always a little insecure about my look. It could be a “gay thing” or just my personal insurance less about acceptation. I feel that I have the necessity to be looking good all the time. Another reason that makes me take good care about my look is the fact that Dennis has a great body for his age. He’s turning 50 in some years and he’s great shape. He was use to be a bodybuilder many years ago, but this is something we don’t talked so much because this is a period very attached with his ex lover. I’ve been working out everyday Monday to Friday before class plus 30 minutes of cardio. Spend time at the gym really makes my days a lot better.
I go straight to college after the work out. I usually have class right away but something I have one our free and I use it to study in the library or in the student lounge. Those two places are the only places I feel concentrated to study since I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it, so I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.
After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.
Some days ago I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her I always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.
I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriage isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid she was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.
I go straight to college after the work out. I usually have class right away but something I have one our free and I use it to study in the library or in the student lounge. Those two places are the only places I feel concentrated to study since I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it, so I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.
After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.
Some days ago I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her I always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.
I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriage isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid she was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.
Monday, February 22, 2010
My Name is Leandro
My Name is Leandro, 27 years old, Brazilian... and what? I’m not sure really! My life is a mess right now and I’m feeling so lost. At this moment I typed my name in the computer and it shows wrong, underlined in red. Exactly how I feel right now. Leander? Laundry? Lender? What the hell is that? The computer doesn’t let me add my name in the dictionary, too sad. I don’t how tall I am in inches, but I know my weight, 156 lbs. I have black short hair, brown skin, good ‘Brazilian-native’ looking and reorganized teeth thanks to retainers I’ve been using in a few years. Before I was too shy to smile since everybody could notice my huge tooth jumping outside my mouth. I’m also funny, really funny, and happy most of the times. I love to be friendly and I feel that I’m not mature enough to my age and believe or not I really like that way. I feel comfortable with that, I mean, I’m not an idiot or a retard, but I can see things in another perspective when I want to. I think to see the world as a great place to live, love and don’t worry so much about life is very health. I don’t have a easy life, actually my life is too complicated right now like I said already, and I cry, fell depress, suffer, and I want that everything just get over soon, like everybody does. The difference is that I don’t open space for those feeling domain my life and don’t like to talk about the painful situation, on the contrary I prefer don’t give much attention to that because this is exactly the beginning of depression and sadness. I can be very annoying as a depressed person and this mean I will make another people uncomfortable with my presence for sure. That’s why I prefer take a deep breath and move on with my responsibilities and my positive way of view the world. I work hard and hate when people came complaining about their problems to me. I like when people came talking about problems already thinking about a solution, and not just crying sadly like no tomorrow. I’m a very good listening and I like to write. And as a normal young gay guy, I love go out, dance, dress well and travel. My gay life improved a lot since I’m here in the United States in a certain way. I feeling more comfortable to talk about my sexuality and free to be who I am. I’m leaving a strong relationship that survived almost three years of distance between Brazil and USA. Now it’s more real than never. Dennis, or just Den, my partner-love-boyfriend, just came to see what I’m writing. I wont tell, like usual. Our love has to be proved every time since it starts in 2006. With visas interviews and questions about the difference of age and culture, thing I will explain later. And the answer of this question is always yes. I love him. Sometimes I feel that he loves me more than everything. That’s beautiful and scared. I’m feeling that a new time of my life is just starting and I need to clean up my pass, organize it and then move on.
Dennis and I live together, in his house, in El Cerrito California since I moved her ten months ago. The house is beautiful, an antique, how Dennis likes to say. Two bedrooms, unfinished kitchen, a basement remodeled to be the office. Our backyard is amazing now, full of tropical plants and trees. We get out of the house by the bedroom door to the deck in the backyard, going down some stairs, we see a lot of bamboos that started to grow with no control, but Dennis is trying to take care of that. After that, we see a beautiful pound with a pound full of fishes that I love to feed every morning. Dennis usually used this place to photo shoot models. However, it’s 8:33 pm in a Saturday night. I woke up feeling that I need answers, I need to decide my life before I got into 30s. I’m tried to have these dreams about “how lost my life is”. The last one I just had: Dennis and I was living in a Favela, a very poor and dangerous place in Brazil, and I decide to drive to the grouches store to buy more food, and I just drove so bad! Completely lost and afraid of cops, because I didn’t have drive’s license (like in the real life) and at the end, I couldn’t come back home. That dream says, “Man, your life sucks!” I know that because I had a book teaching how to interpret dreams. Every time you dream with houses or cars, and it’s not good, your life isn’t good. And that’s how I’m feeling now. I need to write because this is the only way I have to organize my ideas. Today I had such a busy day. I woke up earlier and cleaned up all back and front yard. Today I concentrated my work cleaning the sidewalk and cutting some things that was growing too much. The sidewalk now has no grass, but some plants and a “line” of Palm Trees. Dennis and I also took a shower outside in the backyard, naked, and this was so good. Neighbors can’t see us. When I arrived here, that place was abandoned, but Dennis and I are working hard on that almost every weekend. We also have a hot tub that can fit six people inside. Our sidewalk is beautiful as well. The house is in a corner; and there are palm trees all over it. The house is also different from other in our little street. Is one of the first houses in this area and Dennis tries hard to keep this impression. The unique color, big front window, the pal trees and the big yellow truck parking in front make the house especial.
After all this handwork I came to the sofa to check my Facebook. I saw that Amanda, my Brazilian friend who lives here, did skydiving today. Why she didn’t call me? I really want to do it too and she knew it! Amanda is Brazilian and did housekeeping for Dennis when he was flying constantly to Brazil. Since I met here you’re being hanging out a lot, doing stuff together and I meeting many people trough her. I feel like Amanda and I are building a good friendship. Talking about friends, one more day without a messenger in my Brazilian Orkut (I kind of Facebook very common in Brazil). I think my friends in Brazil are too busy taking care of their life and interacting with who don’t let them to live in the US. I understand that, seriously, I’m not part of their routine anymore, but it doesn’t mean I lost my friends. Leo is a good example of that, he is my good friend and sometimes we talked by MSN and he tells me all those stories about him going out with his friends, having fun… I got jealous easy, but I know he miss me, and all the moments we spend together drinking, talking, and having fun.
The last time I went to Brazil was in June of this year, and I have this misunderstanding with Gabi, she is one of my best friends. I’m still not sure about what exactly happened in that day at her friend’s barbecue, but I don’t talk with them since I went back. It could be many reasons: jealous, drugs, stress, fear. Gabi started dating Roberta several months ago, and we became very close. To be honest, we were partying more than we suppose to do. Even Gabi always with us, she became afraid about our nightlife with plenty o fun, big expenses and drugs. She told me once that Roberta was going on those things pretty badly and they really want to move in together one day. I didn’t make a big deal about it because, now I can say, I was going out of control as well. At that barbecue, I told Gabi about my intentions for that night even because I was leaving back to the United states and I wanted enjoy everything that I could and she freaked out, had a fight with Roberta about something I don’t know, and left Roberta and I there. Then, some hours later, I notice why. After Gabi let I stayed with Robert all night and start noticing what Gabi was trying to tell me. Robert had no limit on drugs putting us in a very scares situation. It was during all night. In the morning, I had no choice than take her to my house and after I insist a lot she stop and slept in my bed. At that day I understood why Gabi wanted to stop this life and start to have a normal relationship. I also understood that one of the biggest reason their relationship wasn’t working because of me. I was the one that Roberta loved to be with, I was always calling them to hang out, go to the clubs and etc. I realized that, after I moved, they finally got some privacy. So I decide do not call or try to resolve the situation. I just left Brazil without talk with them. Don’t think it’s extreme because it’s not. This is only a breaf comment and I really don’t want to go deep in this story because hurts me a lot. Maybe later I can be feeling good enough to talk more about that. I had my reason to think like that and also feel very sad about the fact that Gabi or Roberta never called or contact me since this day. I founded out that they moved together and I assuming they’re fine. I really hope Gabi and Roberta are fine.
So that’s why I decide to write this. I’m confused, lost, needing organize my ideas, my life. I need to find myself. I need to know who I am and who I can be. I’m in a very anguish and scared moment of my life, when everything could be wrong or write. This is a moment of I can’t plan the future for sue, and a can’t be static as well. I wish I stay here, in my brand new world where I’m able to work, study and make friend. I wish to stay in this world where I’m having a pretty nice life. I wish to stay with the guy that I love. So I will read all this after all, and I’ll prove to myself that I’m not completely lost. I have a very interesting background. I was a happy crazy person in Brazil. I was a gay activist, I’ve been part of a book, I’ve been part of the most funny situations, and the most dangerous situations when I was involved with drugs. I’m glad this time is over and now I can sit down here, write my thoughts, plan my life and realize taht I’m not anyone. I have a life full of stories, a person who loves me more than everything, and some fights that I’m glad I did and now is over. I have great stories of life. I will tell all about in this blog. I had no idea who is reading, I don’t really care who is reading since you don’t judge me as a bad, crazy, or insane person. I just need to talk, to write. This is something that I like to do since I was a kid. To write for me was always a scape.
Dennis and I live together, in his house, in El Cerrito California since I moved her ten months ago. The house is beautiful, an antique, how Dennis likes to say. Two bedrooms, unfinished kitchen, a basement remodeled to be the office. Our backyard is amazing now, full of tropical plants and trees. We get out of the house by the bedroom door to the deck in the backyard, going down some stairs, we see a lot of bamboos that started to grow with no control, but Dennis is trying to take care of that. After that, we see a beautiful pound with a pound full of fishes that I love to feed every morning. Dennis usually used this place to photo shoot models. However, it’s 8:33 pm in a Saturday night. I woke up feeling that I need answers, I need to decide my life before I got into 30s. I’m tried to have these dreams about “how lost my life is”. The last one I just had: Dennis and I was living in a Favela, a very poor and dangerous place in Brazil, and I decide to drive to the grouches store to buy more food, and I just drove so bad! Completely lost and afraid of cops, because I didn’t have drive’s license (like in the real life) and at the end, I couldn’t come back home. That dream says, “Man, your life sucks!” I know that because I had a book teaching how to interpret dreams. Every time you dream with houses or cars, and it’s not good, your life isn’t good. And that’s how I’m feeling now. I need to write because this is the only way I have to organize my ideas. Today I had such a busy day. I woke up earlier and cleaned up all back and front yard. Today I concentrated my work cleaning the sidewalk and cutting some things that was growing too much. The sidewalk now has no grass, but some plants and a “line” of Palm Trees. Dennis and I also took a shower outside in the backyard, naked, and this was so good. Neighbors can’t see us. When I arrived here, that place was abandoned, but Dennis and I are working hard on that almost every weekend. We also have a hot tub that can fit six people inside. Our sidewalk is beautiful as well. The house is in a corner; and there are palm trees all over it. The house is also different from other in our little street. Is one of the first houses in this area and Dennis tries hard to keep this impression. The unique color, big front window, the pal trees and the big yellow truck parking in front make the house especial.
After all this handwork I came to the sofa to check my Facebook. I saw that Amanda, my Brazilian friend who lives here, did skydiving today. Why she didn’t call me? I really want to do it too and she knew it! Amanda is Brazilian and did housekeeping for Dennis when he was flying constantly to Brazil. Since I met here you’re being hanging out a lot, doing stuff together and I meeting many people trough her. I feel like Amanda and I are building a good friendship. Talking about friends, one more day without a messenger in my Brazilian Orkut (I kind of Facebook very common in Brazil). I think my friends in Brazil are too busy taking care of their life and interacting with who don’t let them to live in the US. I understand that, seriously, I’m not part of their routine anymore, but it doesn’t mean I lost my friends. Leo is a good example of that, he is my good friend and sometimes we talked by MSN and he tells me all those stories about him going out with his friends, having fun… I got jealous easy, but I know he miss me, and all the moments we spend together drinking, talking, and having fun.
The last time I went to Brazil was in June of this year, and I have this misunderstanding with Gabi, she is one of my best friends. I’m still not sure about what exactly happened in that day at her friend’s barbecue, but I don’t talk with them since I went back. It could be many reasons: jealous, drugs, stress, fear. Gabi started dating Roberta several months ago, and we became very close. To be honest, we were partying more than we suppose to do. Even Gabi always with us, she became afraid about our nightlife with plenty o fun, big expenses and drugs. She told me once that Roberta was going on those things pretty badly and they really want to move in together one day. I didn’t make a big deal about it because, now I can say, I was going out of control as well. At that barbecue, I told Gabi about my intentions for that night even because I was leaving back to the United states and I wanted enjoy everything that I could and she freaked out, had a fight with Roberta about something I don’t know, and left Roberta and I there. Then, some hours later, I notice why. After Gabi let I stayed with Robert all night and start noticing what Gabi was trying to tell me. Robert had no limit on drugs putting us in a very scares situation. It was during all night. In the morning, I had no choice than take her to my house and after I insist a lot she stop and slept in my bed. At that day I understood why Gabi wanted to stop this life and start to have a normal relationship. I also understood that one of the biggest reason their relationship wasn’t working because of me. I was the one that Roberta loved to be with, I was always calling them to hang out, go to the clubs and etc. I realized that, after I moved, they finally got some privacy. So I decide do not call or try to resolve the situation. I just left Brazil without talk with them. Don’t think it’s extreme because it’s not. This is only a breaf comment and I really don’t want to go deep in this story because hurts me a lot. Maybe later I can be feeling good enough to talk more about that. I had my reason to think like that and also feel very sad about the fact that Gabi or Roberta never called or contact me since this day. I founded out that they moved together and I assuming they’re fine. I really hope Gabi and Roberta are fine.
So that’s why I decide to write this. I’m confused, lost, needing organize my ideas, my life. I need to find myself. I need to know who I am and who I can be. I’m in a very anguish and scared moment of my life, when everything could be wrong or write. This is a moment of I can’t plan the future for sue, and a can’t be static as well. I wish I stay here, in my brand new world where I’m able to work, study and make friend. I wish to stay in this world where I’m having a pretty nice life. I wish to stay with the guy that I love. So I will read all this after all, and I’ll prove to myself that I’m not completely lost. I have a very interesting background. I was a happy crazy person in Brazil. I was a gay activist, I’ve been part of a book, I’ve been part of the most funny situations, and the most dangerous situations when I was involved with drugs. I’m glad this time is over and now I can sit down here, write my thoughts, plan my life and realize taht I’m not anyone. I have a life full of stories, a person who loves me more than everything, and some fights that I’m glad I did and now is over. I have great stories of life. I will tell all about in this blog. I had no idea who is reading, I don’t really care who is reading since you don’t judge me as a bad, crazy, or insane person. I just need to talk, to write. This is something that I like to do since I was a kid. To write for me was always a scape.
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